January 28, 2016

Desolation and Finding the Light Again

Desolation and Finding the Light Again

It has taken me awhile to find my center again. Having had the wind knocked out of me this past year. Everything in my world seemed to be turned upside down as I struggled with all the changes that were thrust into my reality.

Things were so dark and empty that for the first time in my life I thought that I was just about done. That my fate was about to call me home and that would be it. So much had been torn apart or damaged I figured this must be what it is like when you're going to die—not that I wanted to take my life, but there was some unseen force at work pulling and ripping it all apart. A violence that lurks in the shadows or stalks your every move—ever so quiet, ever so covert.

Being the sort of woman who plans and is practical it would seem that I had fallen down the rabbit hole and only beginning to see what was going on. The vast changes that were to come and my recognizing my ability to cope was pretty lacking. I struggled and sputtered and stuffed cookies in my  mouth in the vain attempts to understand—what in the hell was going on?

The cookie period has subsided and the darkness has lifted as I check out the scattered ruins of my life. I thought I had it all pretty well set. A decent marriage if somewhat difficult at times and a career that was shifting downward—like some other areas that a woman my age doesn't mention. All pretty much normal for a woman on the brink of fifty. This is when all hell broke lose. Things obviously were so much darker than I had realized and can only now marvel at the changes that have come about and that I have struggled with.

It took awhile to adjust to the shifting realities that were tearing apart my somewhat quiet and boring life. I sit here surveying the damage and realize that most of it seemed pretty good if not for the fear that nags the corners of my mind wondering what in the hell did I think I was doing. Well first off, it would seem that I did not know what I was doing. Who would rip their life apart in such a way as to have pretty much nothing left that was like the previous one.

The force that thundered through mine seemed to have a definite plan and nothing was going to stop it. I had been reading about some kind of shift and I had to admit that my life did resemble some kind of storm that just about consumed everything in its path and then threw me off to the side in amazement.

"So what do you think now," muse said? Oh, ha ha ha your really funny, I said. Angry through the tears of frustration as I tried to understand what was going on. Well it has all been laid to waste, he said and now you can start again. Just like that, I said. Just like that, he said. My god you're insane. The desolation I felt was intense and heartbreaking. How is this possible, I thought? I was now supposedly separated, living by myself and all previous parts of that old life seemed remote and unavailable—gone, laid to waste and never to be again.

See I told you so, he said. You didn't think I would be back, did you? Well, no actually I did not. I had things pretty well set kind of nice. Not great, but pretty ok. Well, he said it really wasn't good at all and you need to stop this bullshit right now! Stop the bullshit about how much you want to be a professional wife and just eat the dam cookies already. And just like that, I was laughing and thinking how much I had lost of myself and now how much I missed being me. The light was beginning to shine in the dark place I was in and I do so love Pepperidge Farm cookies.

1 comment:

Tomas said...

very nice post:)