Awake at 3am, after loud noise from Semi-trucks continues all night long. I have been rough sleeping in front of the old vacant “Good Will” store for the past month; still looking for housing n jobs, still trying to live my life, but my savings is gone now n rejections r constant from jobs. Sheriffs have been here numerous times w the same refrain; “I don’t know u, I just came on shift, did u go to Social Services?” It’s been the same thing since this started. I know now they never had any intention of helping me. The whole point was to keep arresting me, evicting me, to make me look incompetent, crazy—a “Crackwhore.” They never had any intention of helping me. It’s been demoralizing finally understanding this, for so long I was in shock each time explaining I never did what they were accusing me of, but it made no difference—arrests kept coming for nonsense or things I never did on top of the evictions that depleted my savings—just about all were illegal. My things just often dumped somewhere n/or stolen. My ex n my mother always a part of the ongoing harassment n friends w landlords that kicked me out sometimes only after a month; spending upwards of $1500 each time—10 grand in savings gone plus a small 5 grand IRA trying to start over in Maine, but facing the same abuse/assaults from more of their friends/family.
I was watching the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp trial as much as I could, wo internet I can’t b online that long, but I watched some of it trying to understand the actual evidence he had. I had been triggered from the beginning because of what I saw before the evidence got underway. The smears against her online were awful. I remember the first onslaught calling her “Amber Turd” I couldn’t believe the groups of haters that rallied online, which triggered my own. I was not the Domestic Abuser, but was falsely accused of being one. My ex had also rallied all his friends, n the community, which was quite large, playing on the sympathy of “Mens Rights,” that Men could b victims too. He watched TV all the time, I had no idea about this Mens Movement n I had told him something similar about how no one would believe him. “This isn’t going to go well for u,” I had said in shock after he told me nothing was mine n he was putting me on the street; I did nothing n was a whore. Shortly after, I was arrested n accused of abuse. After having numerous surgeries on his knees, he told officers his knees hurt. They slammed me down as I was sitting in a chair, pepper-sprayed me n took me to Jail telling me I was crazy n going to get what I deserved. I went into shock. I thought I would finally b free n didn’t think they would believe his horrible lies, but it had all been setup long ago.
I thought of my dog “Scooter,” such a sweet dog, but he had bowl problems too like the dog Amber Heard talked about. Looking back now, I know my dogs were sick n it came from living w so much stress. Stress I didn’t know where it was coming from, but I’m sure he did. My ex would often do things that seemed benign, but were deliberate. Things like waking me up when he got home from work. He was on 2nd shift for most of our marriage n I rarely got sleep. I didn’t relate it to the drained way I always felt. I was young n never would have believed he did it on purpose. His snoring, which he denied doing was like a train. I wore earplugs throughout our marriage the noise was so loud. I would always b awaken at 3am.
He got home earlier, so I didn’t know for years until I started catching him doing things deliberately. By then, I was rarely sleeping n would sleep in 3-4hr stretches catching him doing things like turning the volume up n down on the TV repeatedly, slamming doors, getting my toy-breed dog to jump off the bed, which he rarely did because the bed was so high n I would carry him afraid he would break a leg. He developed heart problems n when I was at work my ex called n told me he fell off the bed. By that time, I had taken him for numerous ultra sounds, he was put on medication, but I had to put him down. I know today the cruelty from my ex contributed to his death. I had 3 Shitzu’s n 2 of them died young, the 3rd “Bentley,” was tormented from the constant moves n noise harassment we were subjected to, threats of him being a “Bait dog” before they took him. It’s been devastating, but the more I learn about Post Separation Abuse the more I know so much that didn’t make sense before n now does. My ex was very covert about what he did to me.
The Gaslighting was constant. I lost friends, family, jobs, personal belongings n he was a part of it all from the beginning. Things would often go missing or end up not working or broke. Getting me fired w friends he had that had that kind of power n money n aligning w my mother that he had already slept w. He was also friends w my 1/2 siblings 1/2 siblings that disliked me from the start when my mother moved in w their father. He already had 2 kids from his first wife. My mother had 2 sons w him n all despised me. I was the outsider. She constantly raged against my father n took her rage out on me when she wasn’t drugged from the increasing amount of Valium she took. I tried most of my life to get along w them, but had always been blamed. It was the same w my Grandmother that was attacked repeatedly by all of them too. The abuse continued w my ex n it was only recently I had found they had been friends all along. It’s been horrible coming to terms w 20yrs of my life setup to deliberately destroy everything I worked so hard to have.
I’ve been so tired the last month again. I had been staying in the Old Barn getting a decent nights sleep n had been going to the gym every other day, but I’ve had no energy lately. I haven’t been sleeping at all w the truckers so close n making noise all night long, plus I’m out in the open n the stress is much worse; things like going to the bathroom, getting food, privacy, n finding some kind of humane routine has been awful. Being homeless is horrible enough wo the constant attacking from the community n the friends of my ex that continue. Many of them I hadn’t even met until recently or if I did know of them had no idea he had been friends a long time from when he was young n had all these “friends” from selling Coke. It’s been horrible putting it all together; his extreme views about money make sense now. I thought originally it was just greed, I know now it’s a lot deeper. He is a Trafficker—I was bought as a servant. To make as much money as he could off me; use me, then discard me w such malice it would take me the last 6yrs to recover from the shock, panic attacks, n extreme losses I have had to come to terms w now. Plus the ongoing attacks to make it seem I was to blame, was violent; a Prostitute all along, from the beginning—Whore! that deserves nothing I worked so incredibly hard for.
It seems absurd to write this. I still, if I’m not careful have to breath n center myself, so as not to get dizzy or triggered. In the beginning, when I was putting it all together; I would read about Triggers n was grateful I didn’t have them. They sounded awful, but I thought that wasn’t me, but the more I put together the more they started happening. For awhile, they were happening all the time because everything reminded me of “Me”, the me I had been, but now was being told I was a “mentally ill Crackwhore!” before I understood Smear Campaigns, I struggled w worse symptoms from the Triggering; dizziness, nauseousness so bad I would throw up. Times I could barely get groceries; the sights, sounds, smells making me so sick I had to leave. I always loved grocery shopping n cooking. I would see new items in the store or just b walking around n get sick remembering who I was n not like now being told I was someone so horribly different. It was so jarring to have so many people lie n continually treat me so horribly; actually forcing me to live in exactly opposite way of who I am on purpose to cover it all up for everyone involved.
Cops n Sheriff’s continually arresting me telling me I’m mentally ill w diagnosis like “Adjustment Disorder,” as if I’m suppose to accept that I was always incompetent crazy Crackwhore. This is what these vile Smear Campaigns r like. This is the type of work our Law enforcement is involved in rather than solving real crimes. There is a real crime here n they all know it’s my ex’s criminality towards me, but this is what they have been doing. The Sexual Assault by one of his friends, a cop, was just more trauma to make me look like I didn’t know what was going on; like deliberately making me homeless before the Divorce even started. “Look at her, she’s crazy, homeless, n incompetent!” The stereotypes for the homeless r horrible, it was easy to paint me as the problem once they put me on the street n certainly after being Sexually Assaulted. I had a seizure n was dealing w all the symptoms from that, but Judges had no compassion; it was all setup to make me look like I was the abuser. They also got just about everyone in my life that had gone along w his deception from the start to lie about it all n paint me as the abuser, making up stories or outright lies about what did go on. I have nothing to prove who I was now—all done on purpose.
They forced me to stay w my mother recently n she actually threw herself on the ground to allege I had been violent to her all along. I had been thrown out of my Apt when they locked me up in Jail for 4 months before I could even get a court date. They had taken my license n debit card, played games at the Jail to not allow me to get them n therefore couldn’t pay on my storage unit. Among many personal items they dumped in there after removing me from my 20yr home was 20yrs of Journals documenting all the abuse. I wrote all the time, 5-6 pages a day my entire 20yr marriage looking for answers long before ur told to document the abuse. His cop friend that Sexually Assaulted me knew about the Journals. His family had been involved from the start n his uncle had worked for ABC news. I never knew about the uncle n was shocked when I finally Googled him n found he had been friends w Bill O Reilly. I had no problem w him until questioning why I wasn’t told about these people. When I confronted the cops father, he belligerently told me “Why would I talk to YOU about my brother!” I couldn’t believe the venom, the hostility. I had pleaded that I worked very hard for what I had, did nothing to him or his family n could not understand why they were being so vicious to me. I know now because they had been involved right from the start; it’s why they lied about these powerful connections. Threats from O Reilly about destroying people horribly make sense now—this had always been the game.
I had been still unraveling all the lies n why the cops kept forcing me on the street, but have now the realization the Sexual Assault was to traumatize me so I couldn’t fight back n defend myself—everything was railroaded through. I would basically b put “in the cracks,” w no way out I was told. The money/homes that should have been mine were denied n I was given a small Alimony to pay for food n not b able to get housing. I was even denied the inheritance one of his Aunts on her death bed wanted me to have. It would b doled out in a small weekly payments for 5yrs then nothing. He writes this small check each week n deposits it in my account, so the Coercive Control continues w money too. A small IRA when I retire, which prevents me from getting any Social Services, which they denied repeatedly, but laughed constantly about at the Police Station; more humiliation from being on Welfare as a kid, which they knew. This Man’s family knew all about that n those stereotypes. His father, a Jail Guard. Whores can’t read or write, especially Welfare ones.
His family had been friends w my ex since they were kids n also my cousin. They all knew each other, but I was now told they didn’t know me, which was all lies, but all part of the Smear Campaign that no one was going to help me. I didn’t need their help really, I hadn’t been abusive to my ex or anyone else—I needed them to stop being abusive towards me n the Smear Campaign they launched has been unconscionable. I’m told repeatedly to go on Disability to survive, which all the accusations of a “Psychotic break,” n assaults were suppose to do, but didn’t. I was not n I am not Psychotic n not going to fraud Disability to have what should have been mine. Disability for most isn’t all that much n it often depends on who u know. I met women at the Jail in desperate need made to continually wait n others w major disability get only $600 per month n were homeless, but Men like my vicious neighbor involved in this fraud up to the Lakehouse we owned get a lot n retire early n as far as I’m concerned, there is nothing wrong w him. Him n my ex along w my mother schemed this from the start—all friends.
It’s been hard writing today; I’m exhausted, but wanted to try. Watching the Heard Trial has been demoralizing when u face the Mob that ur abuser can have destroy u. I never went to court for Sexual Assault or the Domestic Violence; no one defended me. It had all been setup from the start. I had already been arrested repeatedly, forced to a Psych ward accused that I made everything up n made homeless. The Ad Litem then signed the Divorce settlement. I hadn’t even been there n was threatened w contempt. I had complained because I was on the street w no transportation n was pleading for a place to live. I was told repeatedly by this abusive Ad Litem to go to a Homeless Shelter, I was not getting any properties—“YOU did nothing!” she sneered repeatedly, mostly over the cell ignoring my emails n attempts to defend myself. She was a horrible woman that was repeatedly abusive. I asked for n Appeal right away, but refused help repeatedly by lawyers here, one even taking $3,000 n doing nothing; my bank, Key Bank siding w him; even refusing me itemized list of what if anything he had done. I was put on the street repeatedly by more of his friends stealing legal documents I would put together or being refused them. Stenographers in court were also abusive, but laughing, fawning w my ex—Judges were no different. One lawyer even saying out loud she was told to just “play along w the game.” In the end, I was constantly left scrambling by all their dirty tricks on purpose. I have no respect for Cops n Sheriffs here, this was all done deliberately! The Smear Campaign ungodly n continues here unrelenting as they said it would b until I was dead—“Disappeared!”
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