Sexual Assault and Patterns of Abuse
"Erin Merryn is the author of Stolen Innocence, Living for Today, and An Unimaginable Act. She is an activist against child sexual abuse. She is the founder of Erin's Law, which requires public schools to teach children personal body safety on the prevention of child sexual abuse." Wikipedia
It was one of those days. I was exhausted and had slept for most of the day. I was scared thinking the trauma I was still experiencing would last forever. I had not yet learned about trauma. I had not yet learned a name for what I was experiencing. I had not yet learned it was a normal response to abnormal circumstances. I certainly wasn't told. I was told repeatedly I was mentally ill. I was told I was "crazy." I was told I was a "drunk." I have been told many things the past three years. What I was never told was how Sexual Assault can impact you in very distinct ways and those ways are in fact normal. You're not mentally ill if you have pain after someone hits you over the head with a 2x4. That is how I often felt. Numb, foggy and not able to put things together, even though I could. The shock was a buffer and in fact, I'm grateful for it today. It saved my life. It saved my life, but it's like being drugged. You're under the weather and can't quite be as rational as you would like. I had to learn this all on my own. I had to learn it online.
Thank God for places like Twitter. Thank God for people who share so much of their time, knowledge and talent online. It has been the most harrowing experience of my life, especially because of the process I endured through the court system, the hospital, a psych ward, and the local police department. If not for my online friends I would have died. I would have gone insane. I'm appalled at the medical care in my hometown. I'm grateful my symptoms have abated. I still struggle with fatigue, but each day I get stronger. The past few years my equilibrium was so off I could not stand for long periods. I had a seizure and it was like my entire nervous system was fried. It felt like my insides had been turned inside out. I also had quite a few panic attacks. They were awful. One was so bad I almost didn't make it home on a trip to the mall outside of town. I had night terrors and night sweats. I had weeks I could not think clearly about what was happening, but I was being forced into court every couple of months. I was continually arrested–14x total and I was in and out of court for a brutal divorce that left me with nothing. I was in no condition to defend myself, which was used against me by alleging I was mentally ill and needed an "Adlitem" to make decisions for me. The decisions she made have left me homeless and destitute. All done on purpose. I was told throughout the divorce to go to a homeless shelter even though together my ex-husband and I had worked on and accumulated numerous properties. I was assaulted numerous times, bullied, intimidated and threatened. I was denied any consideration in making decisions that would affect me the rest of my life. Today I have nothing. I'm part of the hidden homeless now and all my assets have been stolen or destroyed. The domestic violence in my marriage has continued post-divorce. The stalking, economic abuse, and revenge continue.
I have healed and the shock is gone from being recently sexual assaulted when the divorce started. Most of the symptoms from trauma are gone too. I liken it to being in a car accident. Those first few moments after the accident and your wondering what happened. I remember years ago the fender bender I had and this wonderful woman telling me to sit and wait for the ambulance. I had told her I was alright and would just like to go home. As I reached up to touch my head there was glass and blood in my scalp. She smiled and gently told me to just wait a little bit. In my shock, I was not thinking clearly. This is how people should respond to abuse. This was not the care I received the many times I have tried to report abuse. The times I was forced to the hospital and called drunk or the times I was sent to the psych ward because the man who sexually assaulted me was a cop and conveniently got an order of protection.
The shock and trauma were used as symptoms of mental illness. The idea that instead of responding to an abnormal event like an accident, in my case a sexual assault and ongoing coercive control, I was mentally ill. That there was no sexual assault and domestic violence, there was just my delusions and hallucinations about it. My inability to put things together was alleged because I was making it all up. That instead of being a victim of a crime, I was just a crazy, incompetent person making up a bunch of stories. That I had done this before and throughout my marriage. That I had been "schizo" from the start and had also made up being molested as a child. That I was "high functioning" and that explains why I have managed for so long. This was so absurd and outrageous if not for a decent sense of humor I probably would have gone insane. To have these so-called professionals have some kind of diagnosis for each sexual assault and my entire life story was so over the top that it became just ludicrous. The lengths people go through to cover things up. It doesn't hurt when the hospital CEO is friends with your in-laws and members of your family that have been abusive. It's a very small town. Everyone knows everyone here. It doesn't hurt when the attitudes here condone the bullying, shunning and groupthink that can characterize a small town. When sexual abuse is not seen for what it is. When the violence is normalized.
Throughout this ordeal the past 3yrs–it was never once explained to me. That trauma can and does produce distinct behaviors and symptoms that can lead to more dire consequences, but in my case did not. What did happen to me was the shock and trauma were used in a brutal divorce to cover up years of economic abuse that was set up a long time ago. My entire marriage a horrible lie. Set up over a long period of time by a group of friends. One friend of this group was a cousin of mine who had molested me as a child. He wasn't an adult himself at 13 but was left to babysit me. He tried to have sex with me and I refused. He was stripped down to nothing and I had my clothes on and talked my way out of it. He didn't get violent but was angry with me.
I grew up, left home, went to college and didn't think about the incident. I had forgiven him a long time ago, but there were other incidents when we were teenagers. I would visit my other cousin, his sister, and he would often be masturbating in his bedroom watching us play. By this time he was 19 and I was 11. Again, there were many incidents like these, but I was too young to really think this was criminal. I just knew it was wrong and I would try to stay away from him. He had by that time increasingly made me nervous, but I never really spoke of it because he had so many friends and the family loved him. I came home less frequently. I had started a career and he married and was doing well in his job.
I was not to learn until my recent divorce the revenge and hate that he harbored all these years. The stalking he did and the accusations behind my back. The most horrible was introducing me to his best friend. By this time, I was open about the uncomfortableness I felt around him to his best friend, but at that time child sexual abuse and sexual assault weren't really talked about. I had also by this time endured an eating disorder that I pretty much got over once I left college, but it had been very difficult throughout college. I struggled with poor self-esteem and shame and I could not name the abuse in my life. It would take a few more years, but I did get over my eating disorder and once on my own the shame subsided and my self-esteem grew, but I was to learn that he never stopped seeking revenge. I was subjected to teasing about being a "party girl" whenever I came home from college. Again, this was just harmless "fun" and meant nothing I was told. I would visit his family and his sister who I had been friends with as kids, but increasingly I was shamed and teased. I had often been made to feel uncomfortable, but never really knew why.
Had I understood "Personal Body Safety," I would have understood the shame, uncomfortableness, and concern. I would not have endured the name-calling. I would have taken his comments and behaviors more seriously. By the time I was through with college, the whispers behind my back went from "party girl" to "drunk slut." The abuse was escalating, but it was all being done behind my back by him, his friends and his family. I had no idea and it was all chalked up to "boys being boys." The girls were really no different. He had quite a few friends and as the years went by they also joined in the slut-shaming, but it was never overt. I was just his distant cousin. We didn't see each other very much. I had two 1/2 siblings and our family dynamics and the way we were related were always complex. I had learned young not to question these family dynamics too much. There were always lines drawn and old histories that would erupt into fights if things went too far. Don't talk too much and everyone will all get along just fine. Your feelings were one of those things that were not discussed because keeping the peace was more important than whether you were in danger. How could you be in danger of "family" anyway? It seemed absurd at the time.
I was lured home after being away for almost a decade after college. I had been doing well, making friends and successful in my work. I loved being on my own and being able to have a nice apartment and provide for myself. To be the Artist I had dreamed about and to be paid for doing my art and photography. Growing up poor, it was a dream come true to have extra money to buy clothes, go out to eat and have some fun with friends. I had no idea the loss of my job was deliberately done. I had no idea about stalking or revenge stalking or any of the more gruesome terms I would come to know today. I was lured home and introduced to my cousin's best friend. I was lured home and purposefully made homeless. I was lured home and setup. None of these things were talked about. Things like Sexual abuse, Sexual Assault, Prostitution, Paraphilia, and Trafficking. Because none of this was talked about, I was lured to another party recently right before my divorce started by the same people. I was sexually assaulted again. This time far more serious. I'd had a seizure, but again no one talked about it. I was unaware of the growing concern about sexual assaults, but at the same time the violence you would face if you tried to report one. I did try and my experience was horrible!
By this time I was married to my cousin's best friend and never would have known that his intentions were never to be a loving husband. His intentions were never to build a life, support my dreams and honor vows we had taken as husband and wife. His intentions were sinister, vengeful and criminal, but we're still not talking about that. I told three people when I first married that I had been molested as a child by my cousin and I was told that it was just "getting fresh" and it was really no big deal. We're still talking today about how I'm allegedly just a "drunk slut!" and none of this happened. Rumors that started all those years ago from when I was 5 and refused to have sex with my cousin. It is my hope the passage of Erin's Law will further the dialog, awareness, and training so we can teach and talk to children about sexual abuse in a way that is age-appropriate and safe. In a way that protects them and keeps them safe from the horrible consequences that can result when we don't.
Sexual Abuse does not go away on its own. The abuse, stalking and vengeance went on up until my cousin's death. He lived as a heroin addict and in all fairness to him had been pursuing treatment at the end of his life. I doubt it was very good. The same hospital that wants to label me "delusional" for talking about sexual abuse was supposedly "helping" him. I hope he had found peace, but my life has been so horribly ripped apart I cannot see how. I tried to talk to him before he died and he refused. His family and friends continue stalking and abuse. I'm still dealing with a brutal divorce that has taken all my assets and labeled me mentally ill. The smear campaign against me continues. Erin's Law will allow the light to shine. It will open doors for children and adults to discuss things that for so long have been kept secret. For so long have caused untold damage. Much of the damage is in not being able to talk about these things. I knew as a kid my cousin was troubled. I knew what he was doing was wrong, but I did not have the words or the context to discuss it. I let it all go and forgave him. It almost cost me my life when I learned my marriage of 20yrs was another form of revenge this group of men friends engaged in. To cover up for a child that needed help all those years ago. A child who if he had gotten help way back then where would we all be now. Instead of the stalking and revenge that continued for so many years and involved so many other people. The stalking and revenge that almost killed me as I continue today to defend myself against the continual violence.
I will continue to raise awareness in my community in spite of the violence I have endured. In spite of the death threats and the outright refusal of the court system here to uphold the law. In spite of making me homeless and having no way to provide for myself now. Even in the violence against my dog. Himself a victim of the domestic abuse used as a weapon to hurt me. He had received numerous threats until he was finally taken. All of it looking like I just could not care for him. All of it covered up. The refusal of our local hospital to care for and give medical treatment in spite of their political views or willingness to cover up and collude with crimes. That would rather see women labeled "crazy" then get the Trauma-informed care they need. That would rather cover up than see people who need deviant sexual behavior treatment get help. Even when those family members have people that work at the hospital and continually lie and cover up the sickness. With the passage of this Law, it will get easier. Children will understand and have an easier time knowing and having words about inappropriate actions and behaviors. That their body is precious, that consent needs to be enforced and their sexuality sacred. Adults need to understand how these behaviors can escalate over time. They often get worse if left unchecked. Our sexuality like other behaviors grows develops and forms over time. Abuse, neglect, secrets, shame, and violence can distort and deform what was once simple misunderstanding, ignorance and children's curiosity.
Thank you Erin Merryn for your brave work and for all those who will implement this law and continue to raise awareness. To make it safe for children by teaching personal body safety in the hope of preventing child sexual abuse.
"Erin Merryn is the author of Stolen Innocence, Living for Today, and An Unimaginable Act. She is an activist against child sexual abuse. She is the founder of Erin's Law, which requires public schools to teach children personal body safety on the prevention of child sexual abuse." Wikipedia
It was one of those days. I was exhausted and had slept for most of the day. I was scared thinking the trauma I was still experiencing would last forever. I had not yet learned about trauma. I had not yet learned a name for what I was experiencing. I had not yet learned it was a normal response to abnormal circumstances. I certainly wasn't told. I was told repeatedly I was mentally ill. I was told I was "crazy." I was told I was a "drunk." I have been told many things the past three years. What I was never told was how Sexual Assault can impact you in very distinct ways and those ways are in fact normal. You're not mentally ill if you have pain after someone hits you over the head with a 2x4. That is how I often felt. Numb, foggy and not able to put things together, even though I could. The shock was a buffer and in fact, I'm grateful for it today. It saved my life. It saved my life, but it's like being drugged. You're under the weather and can't quite be as rational as you would like. I had to learn this all on my own. I had to learn it online.
Thank God for places like Twitter. Thank God for people who share so much of their time, knowledge and talent online. It has been the most harrowing experience of my life, especially because of the process I endured through the court system, the hospital, a psych ward, and the local police department. If not for my online friends I would have died. I would have gone insane. I'm appalled at the medical care in my hometown. I'm grateful my symptoms have abated. I still struggle with fatigue, but each day I get stronger. The past few years my equilibrium was so off I could not stand for long periods. I had a seizure and it was like my entire nervous system was fried. It felt like my insides had been turned inside out. I also had quite a few panic attacks. They were awful. One was so bad I almost didn't make it home on a trip to the mall outside of town. I had night terrors and night sweats. I had weeks I could not think clearly about what was happening, but I was being forced into court every couple of months. I was continually arrested–14x total and I was in and out of court for a brutal divorce that left me with nothing. I was in no condition to defend myself, which was used against me by alleging I was mentally ill and needed an "Adlitem" to make decisions for me. The decisions she made have left me homeless and destitute. All done on purpose. I was told throughout the divorce to go to a homeless shelter even though together my ex-husband and I had worked on and accumulated numerous properties. I was assaulted numerous times, bullied, intimidated and threatened. I was denied any consideration in making decisions that would affect me the rest of my life. Today I have nothing. I'm part of the hidden homeless now and all my assets have been stolen or destroyed. The domestic violence in my marriage has continued post-divorce. The stalking, economic abuse, and revenge continue.
I have healed and the shock is gone from being recently sexual assaulted when the divorce started. Most of the symptoms from trauma are gone too. I liken it to being in a car accident. Those first few moments after the accident and your wondering what happened. I remember years ago the fender bender I had and this wonderful woman telling me to sit and wait for the ambulance. I had told her I was alright and would just like to go home. As I reached up to touch my head there was glass and blood in my scalp. She smiled and gently told me to just wait a little bit. In my shock, I was not thinking clearly. This is how people should respond to abuse. This was not the care I received the many times I have tried to report abuse. The times I was forced to the hospital and called drunk or the times I was sent to the psych ward because the man who sexually assaulted me was a cop and conveniently got an order of protection.
The shock and trauma were used as symptoms of mental illness. The idea that instead of responding to an abnormal event like an accident, in my case a sexual assault and ongoing coercive control, I was mentally ill. That there was no sexual assault and domestic violence, there was just my delusions and hallucinations about it. My inability to put things together was alleged because I was making it all up. That instead of being a victim of a crime, I was just a crazy, incompetent person making up a bunch of stories. That I had done this before and throughout my marriage. That I had been "schizo" from the start and had also made up being molested as a child. That I was "high functioning" and that explains why I have managed for so long. This was so absurd and outrageous if not for a decent sense of humor I probably would have gone insane. To have these so-called professionals have some kind of diagnosis for each sexual assault and my entire life story was so over the top that it became just ludicrous. The lengths people go through to cover things up. It doesn't hurt when the hospital CEO is friends with your in-laws and members of your family that have been abusive. It's a very small town. Everyone knows everyone here. It doesn't hurt when the attitudes here condone the bullying, shunning and groupthink that can characterize a small town. When sexual abuse is not seen for what it is. When the violence is normalized.
Throughout this ordeal the past 3yrs–it was never once explained to me. That trauma can and does produce distinct behaviors and symptoms that can lead to more dire consequences, but in my case did not. What did happen to me was the shock and trauma were used in a brutal divorce to cover up years of economic abuse that was set up a long time ago. My entire marriage a horrible lie. Set up over a long period of time by a group of friends. One friend of this group was a cousin of mine who had molested me as a child. He wasn't an adult himself at 13 but was left to babysit me. He tried to have sex with me and I refused. He was stripped down to nothing and I had my clothes on and talked my way out of it. He didn't get violent but was angry with me.
I grew up, left home, went to college and didn't think about the incident. I had forgiven him a long time ago, but there were other incidents when we were teenagers. I would visit my other cousin, his sister, and he would often be masturbating in his bedroom watching us play. By this time he was 19 and I was 11. Again, there were many incidents like these, but I was too young to really think this was criminal. I just knew it was wrong and I would try to stay away from him. He had by that time increasingly made me nervous, but I never really spoke of it because he had so many friends and the family loved him. I came home less frequently. I had started a career and he married and was doing well in his job.
I was not to learn until my recent divorce the revenge and hate that he harbored all these years. The stalking he did and the accusations behind my back. The most horrible was introducing me to his best friend. By this time, I was open about the uncomfortableness I felt around him to his best friend, but at that time child sexual abuse and sexual assault weren't really talked about. I had also by this time endured an eating disorder that I pretty much got over once I left college, but it had been very difficult throughout college. I struggled with poor self-esteem and shame and I could not name the abuse in my life. It would take a few more years, but I did get over my eating disorder and once on my own the shame subsided and my self-esteem grew, but I was to learn that he never stopped seeking revenge. I was subjected to teasing about being a "party girl" whenever I came home from college. Again, this was just harmless "fun" and meant nothing I was told. I would visit his family and his sister who I had been friends with as kids, but increasingly I was shamed and teased. I had often been made to feel uncomfortable, but never really knew why.
Had I understood "Personal Body Safety," I would have understood the shame, uncomfortableness, and concern. I would not have endured the name-calling. I would have taken his comments and behaviors more seriously. By the time I was through with college, the whispers behind my back went from "party girl" to "drunk slut." The abuse was escalating, but it was all being done behind my back by him, his friends and his family. I had no idea and it was all chalked up to "boys being boys." The girls were really no different. He had quite a few friends and as the years went by they also joined in the slut-shaming, but it was never overt. I was just his distant cousin. We didn't see each other very much. I had two 1/2 siblings and our family dynamics and the way we were related were always complex. I had learned young not to question these family dynamics too much. There were always lines drawn and old histories that would erupt into fights if things went too far. Don't talk too much and everyone will all get along just fine. Your feelings were one of those things that were not discussed because keeping the peace was more important than whether you were in danger. How could you be in danger of "family" anyway? It seemed absurd at the time.
I was lured home after being away for almost a decade after college. I had been doing well, making friends and successful in my work. I loved being on my own and being able to have a nice apartment and provide for myself. To be the Artist I had dreamed about and to be paid for doing my art and photography. Growing up poor, it was a dream come true to have extra money to buy clothes, go out to eat and have some fun with friends. I had no idea the loss of my job was deliberately done. I had no idea about stalking or revenge stalking or any of the more gruesome terms I would come to know today. I was lured home and introduced to my cousin's best friend. I was lured home and purposefully made homeless. I was lured home and setup. None of these things were talked about. Things like Sexual abuse, Sexual Assault, Prostitution, Paraphilia, and Trafficking. Because none of this was talked about, I was lured to another party recently right before my divorce started by the same people. I was sexually assaulted again. This time far more serious. I'd had a seizure, but again no one talked about it. I was unaware of the growing concern about sexual assaults, but at the same time the violence you would face if you tried to report one. I did try and my experience was horrible!
By this time I was married to my cousin's best friend and never would have known that his intentions were never to be a loving husband. His intentions were never to build a life, support my dreams and honor vows we had taken as husband and wife. His intentions were sinister, vengeful and criminal, but we're still not talking about that. I told three people when I first married that I had been molested as a child by my cousin and I was told that it was just "getting fresh" and it was really no big deal. We're still talking today about how I'm allegedly just a "drunk slut!" and none of this happened. Rumors that started all those years ago from when I was 5 and refused to have sex with my cousin. It is my hope the passage of Erin's Law will further the dialog, awareness, and training so we can teach and talk to children about sexual abuse in a way that is age-appropriate and safe. In a way that protects them and keeps them safe from the horrible consequences that can result when we don't.
Sexual Abuse does not go away on its own. The abuse, stalking and vengeance went on up until my cousin's death. He lived as a heroin addict and in all fairness to him had been pursuing treatment at the end of his life. I doubt it was very good. The same hospital that wants to label me "delusional" for talking about sexual abuse was supposedly "helping" him. I hope he had found peace, but my life has been so horribly ripped apart I cannot see how. I tried to talk to him before he died and he refused. His family and friends continue stalking and abuse. I'm still dealing with a brutal divorce that has taken all my assets and labeled me mentally ill. The smear campaign against me continues. Erin's Law will allow the light to shine. It will open doors for children and adults to discuss things that for so long have been kept secret. For so long have caused untold damage. Much of the damage is in not being able to talk about these things. I knew as a kid my cousin was troubled. I knew what he was doing was wrong, but I did not have the words or the context to discuss it. I let it all go and forgave him. It almost cost me my life when I learned my marriage of 20yrs was another form of revenge this group of men friends engaged in. To cover up for a child that needed help all those years ago. A child who if he had gotten help way back then where would we all be now. Instead of the stalking and revenge that continued for so many years and involved so many other people. The stalking and revenge that almost killed me as I continue today to defend myself against the continual violence.
I will continue to raise awareness in my community in spite of the violence I have endured. In spite of the death threats and the outright refusal of the court system here to uphold the law. In spite of making me homeless and having no way to provide for myself now. Even in the violence against my dog. Himself a victim of the domestic abuse used as a weapon to hurt me. He had received numerous threats until he was finally taken. All of it looking like I just could not care for him. All of it covered up. The refusal of our local hospital to care for and give medical treatment in spite of their political views or willingness to cover up and collude with crimes. That would rather see women labeled "crazy" then get the Trauma-informed care they need. That would rather cover up than see people who need deviant sexual behavior treatment get help. Even when those family members have people that work at the hospital and continually lie and cover up the sickness. With the passage of this Law, it will get easier. Children will understand and have an easier time knowing and having words about inappropriate actions and behaviors. That their body is precious, that consent needs to be enforced and their sexuality sacred. Adults need to understand how these behaviors can escalate over time. They often get worse if left unchecked. Our sexuality like other behaviors grows develops and forms over time. Abuse, neglect, secrets, shame, and violence can distort and deform what was once simple misunderstanding, ignorance and children's curiosity.
Thank you Erin Merryn for your brave work and for all those who will implement this law and continue to raise awareness. To make it safe for children by teaching personal body safety in the hope of preventing child sexual abuse.
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