It's a beautiful sunny day. Getting colder at night, but the days are still warm. We're supposed to be getting a couple inches of snow here in Upstate NY later this week, but for now, it's seasonably nice. I would love to be out taking photographs, but I haven't been able to photograph around the Sacandaga Lake this Fall. Fall is such a beautiful time of the year to photograph. I've photographed the Lake for 20yrs, but like everything else in my life, the ability to do this is stolen. Without my car, it makes it hard. All part of the coercive control that continues post-divorce. I had hoped when I started my business to put all my photographs online and sell, but that along with other dreams is over. All my photographs were stolen in yet another scheme that I had to piece together.
My storage unit supposedly "auctioned off" when I was jailed for resisting an arrest which I never did. I was also lied to by the assigned lawyer once I was jailed that I would get 6 months probation and be released after I had already done 4 months, but I ended up doing another 4 months at a psych ward for being accused of not understanding the procedures. I was denied communication, wrote numerous grievances and talked to just about everyone about my personal belongings. One of which was also my beloved dog, but in the end, all were taken. Threats were made about my dog numerous times even at the Jail. Horror stories told of using him as bait by guards who were friends with my ex-husband. My photographs, 20yrs of journals and portfolios I could use to get work and clients–all gone. My recent freelance business destroyed! All done on purpose! All done by using the excuse I was in Jail! My car was an ongoing joke there also. It was funny to the guards the way the police took it, leaving me to walk everywhere. Between being homeless and not having transportation, it was an ongoing joke. It wasn't violence, domestic abuse or coercive control–it was because I was crazy. It was because I was a Prostitute. This is what I was being told since this nightmare started.
My grandparents had property on the Lake, but it was sold. My grandmother had wanted the property, but it was sold by her brother. Women did not own property back then. She was so devastated that she rarely spoke of the Lake after she was forced to leave. We were very close and I had dreamed of having her up to the lake again. She died shortly before I acquired my lake property and that I would also eventually lose. In the same sort of brutal way that prevents women from owning property even today. I sit here also devastated that owning a home and property on the lake was a dream and one I had attained only to learn it was all a horrible scheme. My marriage setup to use me from the start, so many people knew and were in on it.
At 50, I was ready to semi-retire, after all the years of hard work on our Lake property. A shared dream at the beginning that we would work to retire early. He is now enjoying that dream while I'm holed up in a room in my mother's garage, unable to even get an apartment. Threatened throughout the brutal divorce the last 3yrs I would be left "homeless and destitute, which I was. It's been harrowing and taken me a while to put it all together while he is allowed to move on, travel and continue to have fun like he always did. In the past 3yrs, he has been also able to date, go out and recently got married I heard. While I continue to have no car, clothes or a means to move on with my life. The horrible way this was all set up from the start is still most days extremely difficult.
We stayed at the lake house every weekend during the Summer, into the Fall and had started to also in the Winter. There were always so many chores to do. He would often quip that "it will all pay off," whenever I got tired. Except for mowing the lawn, he really didn't do all that much except get drunk. I would be the one eventually accused of being the "drunk" even though I never drank all those years. I was the designated driver whenever we went anywhere. Plus I was too busy cooking, cleaning and keeping an eye on the beer cans that piled up pretty rapidly on the weekends and had to clean. There was always a lot of work for me to do, but I never minded. I was, after all, a woman who owned a beautiful camp on Sacandaga Lake. It wasn't worth all that much 20yrs ago, but to a working girl like me, it was made to seem more expensive than it was. This was deliberately done to deceive me about what things were actually worth. All our properties were well maintained and like new from all the work that was done over the years. All the rentals doubling and making good money now, but I was not to enjoy any of it–it would all go to my ex. I was accused of "doing nothing," being "incompetent" and crazy.
There were problems from the start about the place. Problems with how his family was so entangled with our finances, but because there were lawyers involved, my concerns were seen as causing trouble. Right after we married, after a lot of back and forth, it was "deeded" to him. I didn't know what that meant and it was explained in a way that meant it was basically both of ours. I was broken-hearted that it wasn't a wedding gift, but I was told that it was assumed it was both of ours if I stayed married. I was told we both got the place for a smaller amount then what his Aunt could have gotten for it. It was one way to continually tell me we owed money. We were paying on 2 mortgages! Of course, divorce was unheard of for his catholic family, so the onus rested with me to be a "good wife" and there wouldn't be a problem. The wife part was assumed whenever he only signed his name to what we had done together. Because of course, we were "married." I didn't completely buy this, but I was so outnumbered I gave in. Many times I would be coerced into giving in and paying because "everyone agreed." There was always a cognitive dissonance about the traditional aspects of the marriage. He was the "traditional" husband, "the Man," but yet I was to assume an equal share of everything we spent because of course, I had a "career." Over the years the sneering and remarks got worse and worse from him about my career. I basically lived off my own money, never seeing any of our money or the profit we were accruing over time. I rarely spent money and became so good at the DIY lifestyle before it became popular.
There was his family, his friends and once my family stopped visiting–there were them. "Everyone agreed," everyone does it this way, was used to shut me down whenever I asked about "our money." I gave him money each month for 1/2 the bills, plus I bought all the household items, his and my clothes and various furnishings. He was saving his extra so we could retire. His "extra" was his overtime, which was respected as the real money. I had the bulk of the housework, laundry, cooking and chores around the house and at the Lake home. We both made the same amount of money, but he enjoyed a new Harley, new snowmobiles every year, a boat, and 2 vehicles, one an SUV. I gave up skiing because I didn't have the money. I gave up so much because I was made to believe he had extra money because of the overtime he worked, but chores around the house were not included even though I rarely came home before 6 pm after an hour commute. I was also made to change jobs often. Some of this was the nature of my career as a Graphic Designer, cut-backs usually included art departments first, but now I know trouble was caused for me at jobs I had also. So much I was to learn as the brutal divorce unfolded the past 3yrs. We also were doing well with our "rental business," but I never saw any of that money either or our "Tax money." It was the reason I stayed living in a 2-family all those years and taking care of tenants. It was a lot of work being a decent landlord, but I wasn't given any credit or money for that either. Once all the hard work was done it was going to be all his. This was planned from the start of the marriage and everyone we knew went along with it and knew. The financial schemes started as soon as we married.
Our first "fight" was up to the Lake. I got a new puppy and he was playing with my ex's nieces. I didn't want him to break their little skin with a puppy bite and asked them to not get to close. Just to "pet nice" like you do with small children. To watch them so they didn't get hurt. I was promptly chastised when I went into the camp a short while later about reprimanding them. It was not my place to do that! I sat stunned as I was told it was inappropriate. There had been numerous insinuations that because I didn't have children that I didn't know how to take care of them. My sister n-law left and never returned to visit. One of those "fights" that was to become regular with everyone we knew, but spaced so far apart did not seem like they acted together. It was at this time the properties were being set up. It is only in hindsight that I can see that yes, they all did work together. She was, in fact, one of the worst ones and very vocal about me not having children which became an ongoing excuse and got uglier as the years went by. At this time the neighbors on the lake also set up one of those "fights" alleging that I was "really mentally ill," when I asked them not to cross right in front of the windows when they walked from one camp to another. It was an innocent request, but became a cause for another reason why I was "crazy." It just seemed at the time like silly neighbor stuff, but slowly over time grew worse and worse.
My ex didn't want children either and so I was often assured in the beginning it was my sister-in-law's problem. I might have had a child had I been treated differently, but whenever I mentioned it we both decided it wasn't for us. I was usually trying to earn enough to pay for all the bills we supposedly had so I was often scared of not making enough. I didn't want children to grow up in poverty like I had. I know this was used to keep me thinking we were always poor. Bill paying was awful. I sat as a child trying to please a father figure that would eye me suspiciously about not having made enough. He just basically wrote the checks, but whenever I asked questions it was insinuated that I was "looking for money." The gaslighting included things like making me appear that I was on the take about money—people from poor families often are. Making sure I "paid my way" became a regular routine with everything. Others didn't have to pay their way like I did. So I ended up doing 3x the work, always guilty for supposedly being poor, even though at the time I had and was continuing to make good money as a woman. I would give him the money and he would act as if it was never enough. The more I made the worse it got. The more successful I became the angrier he got about there not being enough. This was all done on purpose, but back then I was always to blame and I blamed myself. I was always compared to his family or friends whose wives were doing so well, especially the ones who "didn't have to work!" "What was my problem?" Why was I so difficult? It became that there was just "something wrong with me." One of those women who had a career. I never realized that a spouse could be so resentful of the success you have at work. We were partners I believed, but I was to learn that was never the case.
I was told around this time after crying a little the one time in front of my mother-in-law that maybe I needed to go and "talk to someone." She said I seemed to be "having all these problems." That the lake property was mine because I was his wife and the problem was that because I came from a "divorced family" I might divorce. At this time we had lawyers, tax professionals and various others who knew how these properties were being setup after we married, but no one explained to me how legally this was not in my best interest and down the road would be very dangerous. I believed and was assured that "everything was fine" and that I "think too much!" That I just needed to concentrate on being a "wife" and everything would be fine. My husband was a great guy and everyone would tell me what a "good family" he came from. There were so many people in our lives who cared, had "estates and wealth," how could there possibly be anything wrong?
So I didn't think talking to someone would be a big deal—it must be me. I wanted to please my new mother-in-law. She was a difficult person, but like with everyone else in my life, I took it as my responsibility to "get along." I had just 6yrs ago went to a DWAI program for drinking and driving. He left me one night in a bar and I drove home—I learned early on not to challenge him. A good wife doesn't do that in public. I had just wanted to stay a little later. Another person was stopped, but I turned myself in. I was following the other car and ended up speeding. The officer was respectful and wondered why I turned myself in. I actually appreciated the counseling from the professional program I attended. I wasn't alcoholic but had learned about abuse patterns in my life, which became invaluable. It was around this time I had disclosed to my new husband that I had been molested by my cousin. I had forgiven him and moved on with my life. So making another appointment with our local hospital seemed to be not a big deal. In fact "everyone" had agreed the properties were set up fine. It was me who had the problem.
I made an appointment and went to see a therapist a couple of times. She told me "there was nothing wrong with me," when I expressed that others were inferring there were. She said I had married into a very "Traditional Family" and needed to learn how to be a "wife." To continue to work on "getting along" with everyone and I would be fine. I asked after a couple of sessions if I needed to continue and she joked that if I wanted to "pay her to be my friend" I could, but mostly I just needed to make friends and continue to try and be a "good wife." I was to find out recently this therapist who I trusted to be decent had supposedly written up something very different. I was told by the same hospital recently I had a "Psychotic break" all those years ago and that's why I saw her. That I had a psychotic break at the beginning of the marriage, had been mentally ill all along, and had also had one at the end of the marriage, which accounted for the recent 14 arrests, 10 evictions and the ongoing inability to live my life and the recent recommendations that I be committed. All horrible lies, but I had to put this all together myself.
We had rental property and a growing rental business. The 2-family we lived in and also the promise that taking care of his blind mother and Manic-Depressive Aunt would result in more "rental income" from her 2-family, and the Aunt's one-family respectively, eventually. Their care and demands were constant over the years and so were the promises about income from their properties after they passed as compensation—part of our retirement. I never said much not wanting to look like their care rested on acquiring their homes, but after Judges contemptuously told me recently that if "they wanted me to have something, they would have left me something," I sit here astounded at how this was all done. So deceitful right from the start. I never received any "gifts." The excuse was always I would acquire the properties, so I never even got cards for Birthdays, Holidays, etc. In fact, I never received anything. The 2-family I lived in for 20yrs as husband and wife, paid the mortgage on each month, I was to find out brutally was his "Separate property." It supposedly had been his for a couple of years before we married and I moved in. I forget how many. It was never explained to me a home I could live in for 20yrs and pay the mortgage, taxes, and expenses on was his "separate property. The lake house also his separate property and the other properties his family obviously never wanted me to have. I was told contemptuously by one Judge that if "they wanted me to have something then they would have left me something!" This of course was done with no lawyer for me—evicted from my home of 20-years and called a "mentally ill tenant" and then I was denied a Divorce Attorney when the Divorce started. This of course after his mother had passed and the other one, his Aunt was in a Nursing Home. This was after the 20 years of eldercare they both received. It all became surreal for me. It almost killed me. The deception was so grossly negligent. To conspire to leave me with nothing and homeless and all planned from the start!
I sat in court after being threatened and called a "mentally ill tenant" that I was going to be evicted from a home I lived in for 20yrs. The shock was so bad, I could barely speak and didn't have a lawyer. I asked about a lawyer, but this was to be a regular occurrence–dragged into court charged with a bunch of lies and being denied a lawyer. Other than the lip-service that was paid that of course if I didn't have one that one could be provided. Which became another ongoing joke in the courtroom as I was always accused of "not understanding" the proceedings and needing a "mental health evaluation." I was often shocked and traumatized. I was still recovering from being recently sexually assaulted and also struggling with being violently arrested out of my home. In all, I have been arrested and evicted out of 3 properties of the 4 we had. 1 single-family, 4 rental units and a vacation home–a lake home. A total of 6 places to live and I am made homeless! My credit during the divorce deliberately ruined so I can't ever buy another property either. Without my car, pursuing my career or a professional job is next to impossible in this rural area. Part-time jobs aren't enough to live on and I have been denied numerous jobs over the years locally. Another way to keep me impoverished. All done on purpose–the stalking continues.
We had just moved into the Aunt's home right before the divorce started. Under the guise of "taking care of her full-time." I should say again I was lured. The idea after taking care of his Manic-Depressive Aunt for 20yrs we would move into her 1-family, retire and enjoy the income from our rental business. As soon as I moved into the Aunt's home the games started about how I had nothing. At this time I kept working on that property also. Thinking it was the medication my ex was on that was making him act so bizarre. Comments that I had nothing and "nothing belonged to me" by this time were increasing. I was bringing him back and forth to Albany, NY for eye surgery. He had been growing increasingly violent and aggressive. I was struggling to get through each day. The seizure I had after being sexually assaulted from a party of old friends I was lured to left me exhausted and unable to fully grasp all the schemes that were unfolding around me. All the ways everyone was involved and had been all along, but I was to learn they all horribly were involved from the start. A sick, vengeful game that they all had been playing right along for a long, long time. I was to be violently arrested and pepper-sprayed by 5-7 officers out of the Aunt's home after only living there a short time and finding out he wanted a divorce on the police report I was given after I was released and told I could not return to my home. After a brief stay in a local hotel, I went back to the home we lived in for 20yrs and this is when it got real nasty and sick. I was now a mentally ill tenant and was evicted from the home I spent 20yrs living in.
Several times as I look back, I was persuaded into attending parties I had reservations about. Friends we hadn't seen in years started coming around towards the end of the marriage. I had always been accused of "keeping his friends away." Shortly after we were married they pretty much all picked fights and stayed away. The alleged "fights," most of them never really explained in a way that made sense were all blamed on me. I just didn't get along with all of them because I was told in the beginning they were use to my ex going out and now that he had a wife they could not all go out to bars as much. It seemed plausible at the time, but I was to find that these lies I was told belied a horrible deception from the start. I was to learn that behind my back I was the "drunk slut." I was not really respected as his wife, but someone he would use. I had a "career" after all. I would be made an example of. Women who believe they can live their lives have a career and most of all not have children. Not having children was my worst offense and used as an excuse. There were problems with it from the start, but I was not to know how deep the hatred or how deadly the violence would become. Most of them just excuses people made to stay away. To keep me isolated to hide the real scheme, which was to prevent me from money, property, and assets that were rightfully mine. To enact revenge and punish me for being successful. My ex was after all best friends with the cousin who molested me.
The deadly control continues, involving jobs, apartments, money, and even my dog! Coercive control is a sick, filthy, deadly form of abuse. In my case involving a group that has stalked me for years. I never knew how deep the hatred was. How deep the vengeance. A group that made some kind of sick pact that I would end up "homeless and destitute," a group that enacted some kind of sick vengeance that only now can I even skim the surface of understanding. The distorted, extremism that motivates a person to act in such an egregious manner. I can only tell my story and try to keep healing and moving forward. Trying to salvage some kind of life. Knowing now that 20yrs of my life was stolen from me and all these people knew. People I loved and cared about. People I trusted and even some family members. It has been the most harrowing experience of my life and continues. I have no means now to care for myself and the threats continue about locking me up, forcing me on disability or permanently putting me on the street as a Prostitute. Today I'm staying with my mother. A small makeshift room in the garage, but this is not a permanent living arrangement. I have become part of the Hidden Homeless after all the properties we had together. This is what economic abuse can be like. It can be a death sentence and in my case the control so bad that I basically am being held like a hostage unable to do much of anything now.
I loved my new car. The second new one I paid for. I had excellent credit, but that along with the car was going to be gone too. I was thrilled to be paid well for the work I did. There aren't many Art jobs here. It's a rural community. The resentment towards me attending college and then having the audacity to pursue a career got worse and worse over the years. "Working girls," are prostitutes I was to learn, especially girls from poor families. Our first date was Pretty Woman and that was my idea of prostitution. A pretty girl meets a nice guy. Nice girl in some bad circumstances. As the years went by in my community, I was to learn this was so far from what the people I knew believed. The deep-seated hatred and contempt for me and my intelligence and my way of life were to explode in violence that almost killed me and continues to threaten my life each day as I come to terms with over 20yrs of financial schemes meant to leave me homeless and on the street. I was called a Prostitute several times once the divorce started. I was told by all the agencies involved to go to a homeless shelter that nothing was mine. This started before I could even get a divorce attorney, which I was denied numerous times or they took my money then did nothing. The games in the courtroom rooms here were just as bad.
I was arrested and dragged into City court every couple of months at the same time trying to get to the Supreme Court without a car and no place to live. All of this going on as I was evicted from every apartment I tried to get. Landlords who stole from me used constant noise harassment, denied me heat, made up awful lies about how I lived and what I had done and went into court and were allowed to just take my money. $15,000 in savings gone the 3yrs I was trying to get a stable place to live plus numerous items stolen from each apartment I rented. I also tried to live in the lake property for a while and was put out of there 8pm one night after begging another lawyer to help me that the settlement was a fraud, but they took my $5,000 and did nothing. I ended up getting $2,000 back, but that went to another landlord to try again to get a place to live and being evicted out of there too. Many of these "landlords" were cronies, doing business with my ex-husband or his friends. Learning now this is also a horrible part of the rural abuse—preventing you from getting a safe place to live. Various rental agencies, realtors, and landlords involved in just flat-out scams to take victims' money.
I sit here broke with nothing. Very small alimony for a few more years. It barely covers food and my phone. The treatment I received in my community was so appalling it almost killed me. There was not one shred of compassion throughout the entire ordeal. I was dragged in front of numerous Judges for minor offenses that were all basically lies. Two of them were in trying to report a sexual assault and sexual harassment and my charges ended up being "harassing officers." My car was taken shortly after I was sexually assaulted to make it look like I "walked the streets." I was told numerous times that I was shacking up by neighbors who complained men were in and out of my apartments. I was continually called a prostitute, all lies, but it added to the story of painting me as a mentally ill, crazy, incompetent, prostitute. The joke was because I was never really a wife. That the marriage was a game from the start and everyone knew it. Everyone I knew, including tax, insurance, and others we did business with and had some idea about our finances—all threatening to have me arrested. It was ungodly the past 3yrs to try and get answers. Numerous times I thought I would die and almost did on top of the death threats I was getting.
I sit going over fights that didn't make sense at the time but now do, all the odd comments, and the 20yrs of memories–I finally have most of the truth. The awful, ugly, horrible truth. The sick, disgusting deception this group of people played on me all these years. The deep-seated hatred towards a woman like me. I never knew there was that much so different about me. I never knew about the stalking or the comments behind my back. I never knew what they really thought of me at all. I loved being a wife and having a home. I blamed myself and was blamed for everything. I had to learn to be a wife because poor girls didn't know how to do those things. I worked hard, learning to cook, entertain and keep a home, and take care of a husband, but in the end, I never had a chance. The game was set up from the start.
My cousin had been glad to set me up with his best friend. We attended a party together when we first met. It wasn't an official date. I was just to meet them at a friend's house for a party. My cousin, snickering at the time, told me how much my soon to be husband liked money. I had no idea at the time that meant nothing other than working hard, which is what I thought would be a nice quality in a man. I was to learn later how much coke he sold was far more than just "a little between friends" he had originally told me. My cousin at this time was moving from coke addiction to heroin. He had lost his job and money was an increasing concern. He called at times to sell things like TVs, but my ex was always careful to say they didn't get together anymore because my ex was not into drugs now. He was a married man and liked to be with his wife.
After we married he seemed to move away from this group anyway. He told me often he was married now and they didn't understand. We were together all the time, but I was to see that this was part of the deception. I was isolated from the start and they all played along. Each in their own way blaming me for why they did not visit even though I asked all the time. There would be occasional get-togethers, but there were often things said. My ex would tell me later, this or that was said. It never really made sense and usually not what I said, but because they were often in alignment, "it had to be me," which is what it came to be as the years went by. I struggled immensely in the early years. It was devastating to not have anyone visit, no friends or family. I was blamed and I constantly scrutinized myself. I started writing as a way to understand. "It can't be everyone," I was told all the time. In very small ways the implication was that it was me. This was done very slowly over time. So much of it so insidiously that it never looked like they were all together, but I was to come to know that horribly they all were.
I think of all my journals right now—20-years worth deliberately stolen! All the time, in the beginning, I would spend weekends crying and writing—trying to understand. This sort of shunning went on up to the lake house also. It was six camps on a private road and the women all had large groups of friends. I was never invited. In the beginning, it was assumed we all wanted our privacy and to spend time with family. I accepted these sorts of things. Who was I to complain, again the idea I came from a poor family that never visited so I could not have much say. The men would get together and talk about things that needed repairing or the road that we all had to maintain, but other than that we all did our own thing. I never really knew it was a problem until recently I was called a prostitute by the neighbors on both sides. Both called the sheriff's and state police when I recently tried to stay there. I had no idea what I had done. I had been there every weekend for the last 20yrs and had done nothing to any of them. Supposedly called because my dog had gone to the bathroom a couple of times. I usually picked it up and didn't have him go so close to the neighbors, but it was winter and I didn't feel well at all. By this time having moved several times and being told repeatedly that I should go to a homeless shelter. It wasn't much he is a small dog. He is gone now, they took him also—another scheme. It breaks my heart this is what they have all done.
I spent years being nervous and basically just did chores every weekend. There was not one item that was not updated on the place. Windows, doors, roof, chimney, floors, ceilings, deck, etc. Everything was updated and done so we could both retire, but there would only be one of us that planned to retire and all these people knew! I was accused of being crazy one of the first weekends I stayed there, but like all the other comments over the years brushed it off as neighbors that I had little in common with, were older and didn't need to concern myself with. Little did I know the whole idea was to paint me as "crazy," and mentally ill so when the time came they would all say I was. That is exactly what they did all these years later. In fact, even bragging that a "group of people can get together and declare someone incompetent."
Finding out the truth has been the most harrowing experience of my life. It seems clear from writing it all down, but I was young and the so-called "fights," comments and incidents were done in such a way that the gaslighting and blaming created a sort of other reality. It was why I wrote–to understand. I knew in my heart something was very wrong as the years went by, but how could so many people be involved? Like now, how could the hospital, police, courts and the out of town psych ward all write up the same thing? It was the same excuse all those years ago. How could they all be in on it? "You think everyone is out to get you," "your so sensitive," "you think too much!"
But just like then, they are all out to do the same. They all share similar mindsets and attitudes about sexual assault, violence against women and money. Impoverishing, forcing women on the street and even Femicide. I have seen those attitudes up close and personal and they are nasty, ugly and deadly. I have experienced this in my community the past 3yrs and it's horrible. Not only have I been the victim of a 20yr marriage of revenge, but the awful violence from the court system, hospital, and police here that don't recognize or refuse to recognize economic abuse, sexual assault, and coercive control here for the crimes they are. It is my hope to change this. It is my hope that attitudes can be changed, training enacted and laws updated and made harsher to reflect these heinous crimes. No one should have to live like I have been living here.
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