Slow Descent To Hell

Dystopian
"Information, independent thought, and freedom are restricted. A figurehead or concept is worshipped by the citizens of the society. Citizens are perceived to be under constant surveillance. Citizens have a fear of the outside world."—http://www.readwritethink.org/files/resources/lesson_images/lesson926/DefinitionCharacteristics.pdf

"There is no-bullying policy here," she glared at me. I sat trying to explain what had just gone on with the Administrator I was hired by. The city was under a sort of emergency because of flooding and it was my task to get her information into the computer. I opened the software and it had not been used all that much and there were problems. I called the help-desk and that's when this Administrator went off on a tirade. The computer system was basically a mess and the person from the outsourced help-desk asked why no one had ever called. I wasn't sure and was perplexed at the way IT was being handled. This Administrator was in fact hired as the Director of IT, but I saw no indication she knew what she was doing. I often had to do simple things for her like explain how to move attachments from her email to her file system, which was so convoluted and disorganized she often could not find things. I basically spent my time running to get her phone numbers. She would bark these demands from her office about getting her this or that number and then leave. She took 2-3 hour lunches, arrived late and went home early. I appreciated the time alone to try and organize her files, but she would have problems with this also because she had set up her own type of file systems that made no sense. Often just putting files in places because she would quip "that's how I remember it," but for someone else looking for the file it made no sense. She often bragged about her "skills," but I was to find they were non-existent. She was probably lying because some of her behavior was absurd. One time telling me to "spray the computer with lysol" to disinfect it and making jokes about computers' being infected was the extent of her knowledge as if problems with viruses were a joke. This was around the time people were finding Porn on their computers. The current Comptroller even taking his life over being accused of having it on his computer, but any serious discussion about this resulted in jokes about disinfectants, which I found absurd. Porn was being deliberately placed on computers. The more I learned about how this was done the more I realized maybe the Comptroller was telling the truth—he had not been looking at and downloading Porn like he had been accused.

By that time I had done some Information Technology work, as a Graphic Designer I was doing more of it and enjoyed the work, even ranking third on a current test to join the Fulton Montgomery Community College IT department. This would turn out to be another job in a long line that I was denied after interviewing a couple of times, certainly being qualified, but over the years finally knowing it was deliberate. I had by that time applied to just about every large place in the community and had been denied. Hospitals, most of the large and small businesses, and now these city/state tests. I often had no problem getting jobs outside our small town. I never minded the commute. I liked to drive and had been driving since my first car at 21 or so. Numerous junkers after that and finally at 40 walking into a dealership and buying my own car on my own. By this time I had bought 2 new cars on my own and felt good about that skill. Most women and quite a few men weren't able to do that. I had researched for months to learn. Buying a new car is like other skills, it can be learned. It doesn't have to be so intimidating.

I sat stunned, flashes of the popular girls from high school asserting their ugly pronouncements came flooding back. The woman sitting behind the large desk, Director of Human Resources for the School District was, in fact, one of those girls. I thought initially after all these years we could get to know each other, be workmates—colleagues. She had no such intention. The job was set up to make me appear "incompetent." The hatred I experienced as a kid was slowly manifesting itself in more overt, violent ways that were now far more serious than what went on in school even though I was often called out to be "beat up." I never really was. Finding that alone, most of these people backed down. It was only in their "group" that they made such awful threats throughout grade school and into high school. You don't belong, your not one of us—you are not invited! I often didn't participate in group activities at school. No money, no transportation and the attitude that I didn't belong followed me around like lint. I got used to doing my own thing. Being an Artist allowed me to adopt the attitude which I loved and fit me. It was ok not to be part of a group, especially ones that made fun of me. I went my own way, hung around with upperclassman, joined the Ski club and fell in love with skiing. I learned as I did when home to do my own thing. Growing up I was often alone. Family lines had been delineated since I was a kid. It would take me years before I understood that my 1/2 siblings that I had been admonished, oftentimes violently, to constantly treat like blood had no such intentions themselves. Their family also never did either, but it would take me years to understand.

I hadn't thought about all of this in years until taking this Administration Assistant job recently. I hadn't been there all of 2 months before I was told that maybe it "wasn't working out." Initially, I was elated. I had been commuting all of my career. 2 hours per day and after hearing for years about my commute and remarks about communting I finally decided to try again at a local job. Taking a job that doesn't fit a career path can often result in not being considered for the better professional ones, so I had to be careful. Too many jobs that seemed like fillers could ruin your chances for better jobs. I was often made fun of for this also. Told in that "busting-ass" way that "I thought I was too good for certain jobs," but that was never the case. I had numerous entry-level jobs working my way up. I liked most of them and was often promoted. I liked the work. I know now it was to undermine my ability to get good jobs. I was told recently that I always got these better jobs and this time I was not going to be able to. Attacks about my career never let up. I tried throughout the years for local jobs when I was between professional jobs, but local jobs didn't pay all that much and having to deal with the cliques was always a problem here, but once again I thought I would try and was happy when I thought I was finally to be included. At this time having had enough success, experience, and accomplishments they could not ignore me now, but I was horribly wrong.

I was convinced by another one of those so-called "popular girls" to take "the test." State tests were never my thing. I tried years ago when I left college but knew I would never be hired and I wasn't. I remember 9th grade English. I loved our new English teacher. Up from New York City, she was bright, interesting and I was finally learning some grammar. It would be short-lived, she was fired halfway between the school year. She came back from being called to a meeting during class and told us she had just been fired as tears rolled down her cheeks and she seemed so defeated remarking how mean they had been to her. I had a bad feeling she would be. I felt similar to her. She was too kind, too artistic, too excited about us learning. I struggled with grammar all through high school. There were just a series of teachers that basically did nothing. It became like a study hall. The teacher would give out some generic syllabus and you would read quietly. That was until this teacher. I made up my mind then that I probably would never work as a teacher in my hometown.

I usually did well, but it was never about how well you did. I remember the year I made Honor Society, but it was never to be realized. We moved up to a new High school and the new 9th graders weren't allowed. By then, I had had enough and was bored. I let my grades drop to more B's and found it more interesting to smoke some weed and hang out with the "heads" in the next town over. The "jocks" and smart kids were just never going to accept me regardless of how good my grades were. I don't regret my decision. I would have liked to study law, but money and connections prevented this. The lawyers and judges I meet now in my community, some the "popular kids" in high school, remind me I made the right decision. Smoking some weed in high school and college and being an Artist got me further than following them. Their slow descent to hell obvious by now.

Thinking about Anne Frank today and the online memes about what you're doing right now is what you were doing when Fascism started—another slow descent to hell.

I hesitated a long time to call it that. I grew up believing how awful it was for Jewish people in Nazi Germany then as I got older how horrible. I learned recently that it wasn't just Jewish people, but also Polish. I'm Polish. I learned also of the Artists deemed "Degenerate" also sent to the Concentration Camps. My Art has been continuously ignored here and now that my business and all my work has been destroyed I think of the many artists that I'm learning about today that endured this horrible treatment. The many artists who had their art and livelihood destroyed.

I grew up having sympathy and now horror that people could allow that and willfully go along. I believed in "Never Again!" Children might not be born to hate, but they can grow up in families and environments that foster it.

I'm not a big history person. They say as you get older you have more appreciation and that would be me. I really like history now and try to play catch up about my lack of knowledge and others knowing so much more about History than me.

I haven't read much about Anne Frank, but what I have read I admired the way in spite of what was going on she continued to be hopeful and write. I know how hard it is to write consistently and she continued to write and put words to the page. Writing is an act of faith and hope in spite of very difficult days. I remember throughout my 20-year marriage when the abuse was so bad it was always my writing that became my closest friend. That and my dogs—my beloved Shih Tzu's. I had 3 sweet, loveable ones. Each one a constant companion, source of joy and love. Each one having a magical sort of intuitive presence about my feelings and emotional state and just as a best friend enjoyed playing, laughing and at times crying together. Their silent comfort and love that as my marriage slowly devolved into horrible abuse and violence became my saving grace. I never knew how much you could love a dog and how much they could love you until I got them. People who claim dogs don't have feelings in my opinion just aren't in touch with their own.

I grew up having dogs and over the years loved quite a few. Outdoor dogs that were mostly family dogs. I did have a little black dog "Penny" I loved, but I was young. As I got older my love for dogs grew as my ability to love became deeper. I have no doubt they have feelings and when I hear people dismiss that I still have a hard time understanding their perspective in spite of increasing evidence to the contrary that it's not just instinct as some say. I have come to see it's just a way to dismiss them as objects for some people. I believe it's about power and control. Whether because of eating them, using them in testing, sport hunting, or just plain not caring about them. There is definitely a link between this attitude and its overlap in the abuse of people. I've seen it numerous times. I have also experienced it in my marriage and relationships I have known. If you can't love animals the chance you can love people is slim. Empathy is across the board. Love and empathy coexist. You can't love another without being able to put yourself aside and consider them. This takes empathy and if your empathic you just are empathic. It extends to animals also. Empathy becomes a part of who you are. It's part of the package of emotional intelligence.

Having no regard for animals or treating them as objects does extend then to people. Without empathy or consideration, a person is unable to really consider another. Treating people as objects allow abusers to disconnect their individual humanity or any humanity when done collectively. People become just a group of objects and this group can be discounted depending on whatever attributes become dismissed, or other. The other is not us. Us and them. The them that does not belong, is not included—denied!

I had always been the other starting in grade school. Small towns are notorious for this type of behavior, especially ones that have low literacy levels, lack opportunities. Ones, like in my case are characterized by the loss of manufacturing and the rise of increasing levels of poverty, drug use, and prostitution. Shunning, name-calling, bullying, and cliques were my experience throughout grade school and into high school. I was "welfare" and along with that the often violent stereotypes that go along with it. In a community full of large 2-parent households, my parent's divorce was long before it became one out of 2 marriages that end in divorce.

I look back now and see how the repetition of these behaviors get worse thereby creating an environment and community that leads to being able to dismiss groups of people. In fact, in some communities it is fostered, oftentimes with violence. Over time emotional abuse slowly erodes the fabric of the community leading to the marginalization of people that are then pushed out or slowly leave over time. The means of doing this increase as the need to reinforce these behaviors become ingrained in the memes and culture of the community. The shared beliefs and cohesion that keep people connected and provide belonging. This can be a good thing, but often just becomes bad. Closed systems over long periods of time are not healthy. In order to grow, evolve and be healthy systems need to periodically allow new ideas, new people, change of memes in order to prevent stagnation, decay, and entropy—to prevent dystopian ones.

For me, it's not a stretch to make the assertion that emotional abuse if left unchecked destroys people and communities that over time lead to death—the death of life. Whether that life is growth of ideas, health, art, actual murder or the induced suicide of people. In my mind, it follows the same type of addictive process that oftentimes addicts become enslaved to. The need for ever more of whatever the person is addicted to. Emotional abuse grows over time in a similar way. It might not manifest as every person would murder, but people often will align themselves to groups that can and do. The group becomes a shield to cover individual responsibility—groupthink. If a person is part of a group that hurts another person the blame is minimized across many people and therefore is more easily dismissed and justified. Group violence in my community has been steadily growing. We still have "low crime" as the meme continues, but more and more people leave or are forced out deliberately. Many times it's not overt. "Gangs" here are not obvious.

The seeds of this kind of violence can be planted and if left unchecked grow over time and take root. In the same way, weeds must be continually removed from the garden. "Never Again" must be more than just words—continuous active participation by everyone. The rise of bullying and emotional abuse has now given way to more extreme forms of violence. In my case, various institutions are now aligned as old high school cliques "gangs" spill out into the larger community. Those high school "popular cliques" now are lawyers, judges, police and also run the businesses, housing access and run for office. If Fascism is a simple definition of the alignment of business and government then what I'm seeing in my community is what is taking root. The violence I have experienced recently by many of the same people I went to high school with and now their children allows me a perspective, even if somewhat generalized that agrees with what others I have read online are also coming to protest, resist and be horrified about. The rise of this collective hate. The homogeny of this hate towards the other. Watching it slowly take over is frightening, in the same way, the people of Nazi Germany I can only imagine felt. It becomes like a cancer, slowly killing everything in its wake.

I understand now why Hate Speech must always be stopped. It's not Free Speech as some want to believe. There is a discernible difference. I also know now that there are subtle forms of hate that left unchecked also grow. Bullying and emotional abuse grow over time and often lead to death. I have experienced it in my community. I continue to get death threats now, but most are careful to not be overt. The subtle innuendos that if challenged often are denied as not meaning what you think they mean. The gaslighting that hides it.

It's basically the same people since I was a child. Only now they can employ more dangerous methods. Instead of no one talking or sitting with you for lunch at school, I'm denied employment—housing. Instead of having "no friends" I'm evicted out of my 20-year home, numerous apartments and so-called neighbors stalking and calling the police and making up lies about what I have done and who I am. I'm reading about "Stages of Homicide" relating to domestic abuse. I believe this extends to animals, communities, and nations. The stages of decay, dystopian communities and societies and ultimately the collapse of them—the slow descent to Hell.

Stolen Art by Rhonda Flanagan