Carrying around my two heavy suitcases was like carrying around all the pain I thought I had closure with, but all these wounds are being ripped open once again as I struggle with the awareness of all the new lies and violence I have to deal with and come to terms with once more. I had set up my life to put my abusive childhood in the past and to move forward with a healthy life. I thought after all these years I was finally able to do that. I thought I was finally able to hold my head up without so much shame over the way I had grown up. I thought that so much time had passed and I had done so much work since then and had some modest success that it was all behind me and I could have a little fun and have an easier schedule and semi-retire. I was so horribly wrong. It's taken me 5yrs since this nightmare started to finally put it all together and be able to deal with the trauma and shock of what had been done to me. None of which was taken into consideration as courts used the assaults I endured to rob me of over 30yrs of my assets.
I used to listen to the radio at night to fall asleep when I was a girl. As I watched the lights of Stewart's flicker and the cars go by, I had my iPhone playing some music. It helped me relax and feel a little okay as I did as a child after my mother's violence, which was pretty regular. Music had always been healing for me as a child and had always helped me throughout my marriage. I remember being 5yrs old and watching my Father on stage. I loved slide guitar and loved listening to him play. I dreamed of one day possibly playing with him, but this was never to be. My mother was going to make sure everything about my Father and me would be destroyed. It had started as soon as we moved in with her new boyfriend.
I wondered why I was here? I had dealt with my anger by working out and my dogs were always a comfort. I wrote in my journals constantly and had a large library I accumulated from Amazon back in the day when it started out as a used book place. We were a bunch of rebels buying online. I had a credit card from them and over the years got numerous reward points. Having them take it away was a slap in the face when my divorce started. I was not allowed any money because of Economic Abuse and my ex-husband controlled all the major money in our marriage. I had to put food on the card and my expenses, but once things started I was told the debt was mine. This had gone on for a year and I thought this small amount of debt would be taken care of when the divorce started, but nothing about my divorce was normal.
The assistant DA sneered at me when I walked into the City court and told me the debt was mine. I wondered why the City court was making decisions about my divorce and this man in particular when I explained I had no money for an Attorney that my ex-husband had controlled all our money even though I had a checking account. I was fighting to stay in my home and the divorce had not even started yet. I was facing constant arrests that amounted to much about nothing, but the abusive Judge kept telling me I had stolen a pool ladder, had been a juvenile delinquent, had a drug problem, and was violent—I sat stunned and when I got up I almost fainted.
My ex-husband had called the cops and claimed his "knees hurt," knees he had numerous surgeries on over the years after he started making threats that "nothing is yours," and I would be "put on the street!" I had called 911 initially and they told me to call the police. The officer I spoke to said, "they would be there if there was an incident." I had explained my ex-husband was threatening to put me on the street. I had originally thought his medication was causing problems. It seemed absurd I would be on the street with all the properties we had. I had been taking him back and forth to Albany NY for eye surgery and the Specialist could not get his pressure to stabilize. He had Glaucoma and I asked him if he told the Doctor how much he drank? I sensed this was the problem.
Seeing the Assistant DA's engagement pictures on my cousin's webpage after she threatened me was shocking when I had tried to talk to her about what was going on. My Mother and my 1/2 brother's children had been bragging about her new Photography business and getting their pictures taken, so I had Googled her name and was surprised to see "306 Photography." It had been the name I was going to give my business when I had talked as a girl about having a Photography business. I had been unable to continue Ballet and my 3rd-grade teacher, Mrs. Blaine had complimented me on my Art and told me to pursue that. I had gotten a small instant camera when the fad started and was taking pictures and doing my art. One day this older guy on the street laughed and said to me, "Hey 306!" I had no idea it meant Sex. I wasn't afraid of him, it was street harassment, but it seemed like a compliment at the time. My mother would often say "tough tits," and I picked that up too.
Seeing the name I had said would be my business name was disconcerting. At first, I wasn't that concerned about her business. We didn't have the same style, but when I saw the name and then the outright plagiarism of some of my photography, I grew increasingly uncomfortable. Something ominous was going on. Her site consisted of similar shots I had taken up to my Lake home and similar iconography I had done online for the business I had started. I had also worked for years as a District Manager for Sears Portrait Studios. She was also stalking me on Twitter starting fights there that eventually got her banned. Other members of the family and her friends had joined in and my 1/2 brother's daughters were also making threats calling me "crazy," and generally attacking me. I had no idea what they were talking about. I hadn't talked to any of them since I was married.
They are "best friends," my 1/2 brother's daughter had said of my cousin's son. This was the cousin that had molested me. His son was also in trouble for "inappropriate touching" in school and she was telling me they hung out all the time. This cousin that had molested me and continued to stalk me had moved around the corner from me when this had all started and had been stalking me with his sister all along. This had gone on since we were kids—I had no idea the extent of his revenge or his Heroin use.
I was surprised at first because as my business was being destroyed, she was launching hers. "She can buy whatever she wants, " my Mother quipped in the way she always did when it came to their family. She would often brag about them. Her new husband worked for National Grid and another cousin had become a Doctor. She bragged about her a number of times when I first saw her again too. Having a Doctor in the family was a big deal to them. I was not that impressed having worked as a Communications Manager for a Physicians Association. Many of them were now mostly into prescribing pharmaceuticals rather than care. Having lost my SIL when I was working there was difficult. She had been on a cocktail of "Meds," and they had labeled her Bipolar and Alcoholic also. I had sat with her for the 3hrs before she passed away. She had Gastric Bypass surgery. I had wondered why I had been called. She was only 37 and the last time I saw her she had been doing well. I had tried to talk to her on the phone, but my 1/2 brother threatened me and then called the cops. Again, I had no idea why. I had called to ask why things were being said by them and their cousins. I had invited them for Memorial Day weekend, but as usual, they had said "No," but then vicious gossip had started again and I had wanted to talk to my 1/2 brother to ask why.
My cousin's 2nd husband that works for National Grid had recently come to my apartment pretending to turn the heat on and had threatened me. I had called National Grid because I had no heat and was getting numerous large bills, but the landlord wasn't doing anything. My hair was falling out in clumps and I was told by another worker that came to inspect that there was a gas leak. I had no idea who her husband was, I never met him and when I called her for an explanation she told me I had a "psychotic break!" That her husband had called and complained that I was unstable and could not come into the apartment. The other tech turned on the heat without coming in the apartment after he went by the door and said the heat was back on and they fixed the gas leak. The gas leak was fixed, but there were still problems with the heat. I was evicted shortly after—it was becoming routine.
I also called National Grid numerous times to complain about the large gas bills, the threats from that Tech, and the landlord's inability to work with me about the heat, but I was still evicted. The tenants upstairs were continually calling the cops and complaining and laughing outside my door that Vassi Realty was going to evict me and they couldn't wait to see me on the street. That I was "shacking up with men," and making a lot of noise. My ex was friends with Vassi and before all this started he had been inviting us up to his new lakehouse. I had never meant him until I moved into the apartment. We had talked of visiting his new lakehouse but never did. My ex had talked of seeing him all the time at the gym.
My ex-husband caused a big fight before my SIL's funeral and refused to go, I had no idea why. He and my SIL had gotten along so well I had remembered. At the start of our marriage, we had gone on a snowmobiling trip together and they spent the entire time ignoring me and making jokes. Rolling around on the floor numerous times like play wrestling. I thought it a little inappropriate, but I was usually the one that got the brunt of the "ass-busting," and was made to feel it was no big deal and that I was making a big deal out of nothing when I decided to skip the long ride the next day. They were riding pretty fast and hard and my sled just couldn't keep up. One of the jokes was of course that I had spent too long in the bathroom. This was an ongoing joke since my 1/2 brother and I were kids. It was hard because everyone else had a room, but our room was actually a roll-away bed in the middle of the living room. I didn't complain but was disappointed and so I had to also change in the bathroom. The "ass-busting," had started as soon as I got there. My sled was an old junker that we picked up and I had a hard time keeping up with everyone else's new top-of-the-line sleds.
When my SIL died, I started to remember the odd conversation I overheard the two of them have one night at "Cravings," the bar and restaurant one of my ex's friends owned. I had gone up to get us some drinks and I heard the two of them talking about money. My ex had said something and my SIL laughed and said "that would make you a Pimp!" The conversation always stayed with me. I brushed it off as a joke or something they were talking about but had no idea this seemingly innocuous conversation was a harbor of the destructive nightmare my ex had planned for me. I know today my SIL knew my ex had no intention of being a good husband. Everything was set up to use me and leave me with nothing. The accusations and fights from them continued after the snowmobile trip. I decided I didn't really like to go with them snowmobiling. I know today this was done on purpose. In the same way, I was talked out of skiing. I loved to ski, but after I married only went a couple times. I used to ski all the time. Before we divorced I had finally treated myself to new skis, but they were in the storage unit that was "Auctioned off!" along with over 30yrs of my personal belongings. I had spent my entire marriage listening every Christmas to everyone else's ski trips, but no one asked me to go or was concerned with why I didn't ski while they were all on Winter Skiing or Snowmobile Trips.
I wondered if it was my cousin's ghosts were calling me back to remember as I slept on the abandoned porch. I imagined seeing him across the driveway by his new large cruiser motorcycle. He was on his way to a lot of success with his important job at GE and was "flying internationally," they all had said. I was 13yrs old and he was in his 20s. His new girlfriend was bragging about how he was paying for her new car and helping her pay for college. She treated me with contempt and barely spoke to me. After they married they bought their new home. It was large and beautiful. Pictures were passed around and bragged about.
I wasn't invited to the wedding and would hear of all the new high-end things she was buying for the new house. By this time, my cousin was doing Coke all the time and working constantly. He would come to visit his mother and I would visit his sister. He would complain of all the things she bought and he had wanted her to slow down. The gossip went on all the time about her spending. One time it got so bad over the $1,000 sofa she bought, unheard of back then. He was upset she also refused to wait to have children. He had just put in a new pool and the house was really big and she was buying things all the time to furnish it. He complained often about not keeping up and when the baby came, he would visit his mother and have the baby. She would make fun of him and go on about him sharing parenting. He would bring his new daughter when he came to visit and talk of how he was trying to co-parent, but it was never enough. I felt bad for him. It was always about money with her. I felt the same and was regularly dismissed by her.
My pretty pigeon came to see me. She landed on the porch rail pretty close and just sat there for a while—it was pretty cool. She had been my little friend here on the porch. I miss my dog "Bentley," every day, but my little pigeon has been my little companion and I love her. I never realized how personable pigeons can be. She sits and coos and hangs out on the porch next door. I talk to her, calling her "pretty girl," and she responds. I always like birds and had a little knick-knack collection of them when I had my home. I never knew how cool pigeons were. People always talk of how bad they are, but she has been a blessing. She keeps me company every morning and she comes later in the day too. She has her mate and they have a nest of babies. I'm getting very protective of them and with all the digging with the new Stewarts going in I worry they will be ok. One day she got really stressed when they were busting up the large rock pieces, but so far we have been getting by—her and I and her little babies.
I let go of my 2nd suitcase as I did everything else. It was stolen off the abandoned porch. My things were taken out and the suitcase was thrown down the stairs next door, the zipper broken. I use it as a little privacy screen on the porch. It's easier now not to have to carry it around. I'm letting go of so much these days. My suitcase symbolic of so much I have had to let go of, but it's easier now to walk. It's easier now that I know the truth. I can let go of so much pain, so many things that never made sense. So many fights I was blamed for and blamed myself. So many times I struggled to understand, but today know that I forgave too much and carried far too much baggage. I carried the pain of so many fights, accusations, and loss of things that were rightfully mine. I did Yoga to heal, but it still did not reach the core of these lies. I know how they went back even further than my 20yr marriage.
I had to go back even further to get to the root of this horrible deception that started when I moved into the new neighborhood with my mother's new boyfriend. The two little girls I played with next door would one day be involved in having their Police Officer nephew horribly harass me, arrest me, pretend not to know me, and leave me in the park a mile from my home with nothing as I sobbed uncontrollably to understand why I was not being allowed back into my home—where was I to go?
I don't cry as much as I used to. I used to sob, deep and hard for hours, but I'm better now. I remember how my Grandmother wouldn't talk about "the Land," I know today she might not have been so happy about the Sacandaga Lake. They took so much of the land to flood the lake. The lake is a "man-made," one. I never really thought about it until recently looking at the history and how many were devastated about the lake because they had lost their land. I had wondered why she wouldn't talk about it, but today know it was too painful. I didn't understand as a girl that life can give you such pain that you come to not want to talk about it. Today we call it being "Triggered." I know a little of abandoned houses and abandoned people. People falling through the cracks, people forced into the cracks, and the horrible pain that you carry. The memories and nightmares that keep you awake at night wondering how things could have gone so horribly wrong.
I had a vintage blue Calvin Klein sequined dress bought on sale in the suitcase they sole—it was so cool, had beautiful tags too! Blue the color of the sky, hit just above my knees and cinched at the waist. It had a pretty V-neck that draped gently across the bust in a couple of round layers and had pretty short sleeves lovely for Summer, Winter, or Fall. I loved it and was saving it, but it was gone. I thought of my sweet Pigeon and I know I would not have had this experience with her if not for what had happened. I love photographing her lately and learning about Pigeons.
God takes one thing and gives you another. I love the blues of her feathers and the blue of the sky when I watch for her return. She comes at the same time each day; in the morning and later in the day to feed the babies. They coo and cry for a while, then they are all quiet again. She sits on the deck next door and listens to me sing along with my music. I felt this connection with her and didn't realize until I read about Pigeons how peaceful they are. I had been so scared when I first was sleeping on the porch. I had awful thoughts about my dog "Bentley," being taken and the pain was unbearable at times, but having my little Pigeon friend and family was a blessing.
I read how Pigeons have quite a few predators and I remember the day they attacked her mate so viciously it took my breath away. I had not realized birds attack each other like that. One on each side of his neck. I thought they were going to rip his neck off. It was hard to watch, but he got rid of them and kept his little family together. This little story of their lives allowed me to let go of the silly blue dress. I loved them and they kept me going each day when I would cry myself to sleep and believe that I could not take anymore. The baggage I was carrying had to go, but I was not only finding I was lighter but gifted with new experiences that were replacing what I had so brutally lost. No one will ever replace my sweet Bentley, I will forever love him, but my little Pigeons have helped me let go of the old baggage I carried for so long and look forward with hope to something else.
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