"I'm going to kill you," he said. I stood outside Armory Grill and wondered why everything seemed hazy, I didn't feel right and only had one drink there, but it was liquor and I didn't really like liquor. I had a few Beers before I went there, but I felt strange. I came to the SouthSide to see if I could see anybody, but it seemed now that I had some idea of the truth no one was going to be sorry or talk to me. The woman who owned Armory Grill signaled this other guy to follow me out after she said she didn't know anyone I was talking about and wasn't really sure who I was. This guy started telling me how much he was attracted to me and we should get together. I thought in horror that this was what they had done to me all those years ago with my ex-husband. I actually had watched her signal to him in a very mean way to follow me and then he started to pretend he was interested in me. He followed me to the next bar, telling me he worked at the bar across the street and we should get a drink. I was on my way there but didn't want to have a drink with him. They told us to get out—I had no idea why and told him to stay away from me.
It had been this way for so long that it was strange to finally know the truth. I knew right away this is what the two of them had done all those years ago. My ex-husband and this woman had been friends all along. Pretending to be someone's boyfriend obviously was the "Trick" or I guess I was the "Mark"—I had no idea why. It was all still coming together, but watching her do it again was some closure for me after 30yrs of this kind of deception. I horribly knew then how so many people knew my business, but I never knew theirs, how so many people lorded this power over me, but I could never defend myself or confront their abuse. They would all stick together and tell me they had no idea what I was talking about. When the person you're the most intimate with is betraying you to other people it becomes a nightmare, especially because there were so many people that were now involved, which years ago made it always so painful. I blamed myself and was blamed all the time. "It can't be everyone," my ex used to say. How could I argue with that? How could it be everyone I knew?
I picked up the first thing I saw, which was a DPW stick, and told him to get away from me as I broke a few Christmas Lights on one of the light poles. The light poles had so many lights on them, I thought how ugly it all was—so overdone. There were no lights really in any other parts of the city, a couple by the post office in downtown, but here gobs of lights were strung numerous times around each post. There were so many it was so ostentatious I felt dizzy from looking at the lights too long.
By this time the other man had left. I had no interest in getting involved with anyone from Armory Grill and certainly in the evil way it was done the first time. Your set up with someone that pretends to care about you but is only going to hurt and use you deliberately. I could not believe they would try to do the same thing again, but I was finally able to get the certainly to see her do it and to watch how it had been done all those years ago. My heart lurched in pain, but I was determined to found out the truth and survive it. I was finally getting somewhere through the wicked maze of lies my life had become.
After my ex and I were married the owner and one of his friends started a fight about going to this particular restaurant accusing me of not wanting to eat there, which wasn't true. I had always enjoyed the get-togethers there. I had always thought it was a beautiful restaurant, all white and elegant and I had a good time when I had gone there a few times, but now I was being told that I didn't want to eat there. The honeymoon stage of our relationship lasted the entire 6yrs we dated. My ex had been so kind and generous, and his friends were friendly and decent for the most part. All told me what a great guy he was. What a good family he had and how decent he was, but as soon as we married the fights started.
My ex had asked me shortly after he bought a Boat if I wanted to be up on the Sacandaga Lake all weekend or go out to dinner. Dinner could run $150 and my ex would drink and buy others drinks and it could run upwards of that. This was a whole weekend of gas, food, and stuff on the boat and we couldn't afford to do both. I didn't drink and drinking out in the Bars was expensive. He would buy his 2 cases and it was cheaper. I didn't see a problem and thought we could possibly eat out for the Holidays. I was accused of not wanting to eat there. I of course only had my ex to clarify things and assumed he told everyone the truth, this was how the communication went, but I was to learn over the years they all would make things up and then blame me. He would assure me it was taken care of, but I was to horribly learn that it had always been done on purpose and not being "taken care of," was part of the Gaslighting.
I spent years in pain trying to figure out these disagreements that always came out of nowhere and were never the truth. I loved going out to dinner and enjoyed seeing people. I had always tried to fit in with my ex-husband's friends and invited them to our home for Holidays and up to our Lake home all the time, but I was accused of all kinds of things over the years. There was always some kind of misunderstanding that my ex of course took care of. It seems obvious as I write it down now. I'm laughed at now that it took me so long. The old pain resurfaces and now there is a new pain. Pain that once again I'm not able to have any closure with.
I continued to walk and the second man that made the death threats kept following me. I told him a couple of times to leave me alone thinking he would back off, but he kept following. I had tried to call a cab, but continually I wasn't getting through or they wouldn't show up. I had waited a while and then knew I had to walk, it was getting late and I didn't want to have to end up walking too late. I didn't really want to break the lights, but this had been going on a long time with the woman who owned the bar and her friends. They were all friends over here and everyone knew everyone, but no matter how I tried to get clarification about what was going on I would always get the silent treatment. I know now this was done on purpose. I never knew what I had done to any of these people. It was predominately Italians that lived on the Southside and I had attended the annual "Italian Festival" after first being convinced to come back home. I had always patronized all the Italian restaurants here, I loved Italian food and I had never said a bad word about any of them. I never knew I needed to. I didn't see these people socially but my ex seemed to know them all and things seemed fine when we first started dating. I had no idea that these people were also friends with my 1/2 family, more than just eating at their restaurant. Another one of my cousins had cooked at the other restaurant they had opened, a Country and Western Bar that had a dance floor.
I rounded the corner up to the highway, the man still making threats and I was arrested. There were about 4 cars like usual, 4-6 officers and I thought they were going to kill me. They were all lined up in a menacing way as if they were taking in a dangerous criminal, but I had come to expect the way they treated me. They grabbed me and threw me in the car. I was rarely told what I did until court and then it was always decided I was guilty. I had been walking by the side of the highway rather than on the enclosed sidewalk. I always walked this way, especially when walking alone. As a woman alone, I learned to always walk closer to traffic rather than on secluded paths. I was accused of being on the road and suicidal by the Doctor in the emergency room. They took me to St. Marys Hospital where I told the Doctor they had done this numerous times and I was not suicidal, plus this man was telling me he was going to kill me. I broke the lights to keep him away from me. He let me go as officers stood outside the door going on and on about me. It had become routine by this point for them to arrest me and make up a bunch of stuff about me. The Doctor let me go and I was given tickets for breaking the Christmas Lights and then was jailed for that and "resisting arrest," shortly after. The Judge combined the two charges sneering at me that now I had a "Criminal History!"
So here I was again outside of Herk's being told there was no cab, after being thrown out again. I laughed about it in some way. I had gotten on the bar last time after being called a prostitute and told everyone that if they wanted to watch me dance on the Bar—here I was. I was sick and tired of the bullshit. I felt bad but wanted it all to stop, but here it was going on again. When I had initially thought the police would help me I had explained how every business I had been a customer of for over 20yrs and had never had a problem with was threatening to have me arrested. I was getting threats from the Mayor and all kinds of people I hadn't seen in over 20yrs. The Sergeant told me in a really snide way that "they don't have to do business with you!" At the time, I was initially talking about my Dentist that picked a huge fight with one of his secretaries. She turned out to be good friends with my ex but lied about the whole relationship. Her ex-husband and my ex had been involved in beating up a man that put him in intensive care. A felony that almost killed the man and some of the others did time for, but my ex never did. He never told me about the fight and one time when it did come up he said it was just a "guy fight over a girl" and wasn't a big deal. As the years went by, he would add to these stories he told me. When I finally understood how badly they beat this man I almost puked. My ex had supposedly been blocking the doorway so the cops could not get through, but he got off because the question was did he block it on purpose, or were there just too many people on the stairs preventing him from moving, which was what he said. The story became different the longer we were together.
After I talked to the Sargeant I called the FBI, speaking to someone named “Zack.” I was scared and incredulous that all these businesses were now threatening me and the Police thought there was no problem with this, that they could do that. The man on the phone from the FBI said "it didn't make sense." I explained what was going on, but he acted as if it was no big deal. I was terrified and even more shaken by the fact these men that are supposed to help you thought it was no big deal that the Mayor and all these people were making threats. I was later to learn the Mayor who came to my MIL funeral to wish my BIL condolences went to school with him, but she offered me no condolences. It was rude and classless, but I was now seeing how violent she was. I was also to learn she is an alcoholic and goes on about it on her blog. She talks about her recovery from Alcoholism but sees no problem making up false accusations about me and continues to make up slander that has cost me numerous irreplaceable assets amongst other horrible damages.
People were still making threats. I had gone to Herk's with one of the women that lived in the Crackhouse Apartment building the other woman I met lived in, but she said she really wasn't involved with them. I had said I would never go to the Southside again, but I still was refusing to accept I was not allowed to have the right to live my life, certainly because no one was telling me what I ever did and people were still attacking me. I was being denied all my assets, homeless, and without any means to take care of myself and no one cared. My new car was taken, my dog was taken and people were still attacking me. The police were still making up things about me and I was getting sick of being homeless.
As soon as I walked into Herk's, a local bar on the Southside of my hometown, I was told to leave. Some woman, I assumed was the owner or manager, stormed out from the back of the bar in a very aggressive manner and yelled that "we aren't serving anyone, everyone needs to leave!" right in front of me. It was obvious it was just me they weren't going to serve—I immediately left, but no one else did. It had been the same at Vic's up in Northville NY one night. I had been staying at the Flip Inn when I still had a little savings to stay in Hotels between the Evictions I was getting all the time. I walked in to have a drink and something to eat and was immediately told to leave. I was now being thrown out of Bars repeatedly. I know now it was to make it look like I was some kind of violent drunk picking fights all the time—"Drunk and Disorderly!"
I was being accused all the time even when I had nothing to drink at all and had no idea what to be angry about—I had been in shock for so long. I was having the cops called on me for things like "playing music loud!" not "curbing my dog!" and not taking my garbage out. I had so little garbage, always curbed my dog, and didn't play music that loud—it was crazy. I thought of all the years of making sure my ex got home after drinking, all the times I drove and all the times he or his friends would start fights and I would want to leave. I was not one to start fights. He was never once kicked out, told not to come back or had any problems whatsoever with being served even though he was always pretty drunk when we went out. I always drove and never drank or did drugs, but everyone we knew was drinking, drugging, "partying" and had no problems. After all these years I could not go out and have a drink without being kicked out.
I wasn't even sure why I was drinking. I never liked it but was talked into it when I was first put on the street. I could not find a place to rent and thought possibly upon the Sacandaga Lake I could find something. There happen to be a place to rent in Silver Maple Park. I enjoyed it there initially, but the fights started soon after I arrived and it ended the same way. I met a group that drank a lot and partied all the time, most people enjoyed drinking there. The owner loved to drink and I was talked into a Twisted Tea one night. I had thought why not? It had been so long where I didn't have to worry about driving my ex and me home. I was trying to make new friends and I had thought of all the times I had been made fun up for not drinking. I wanted to be social and for a change just have some fun and not be waiting on everyone else and looking after everything.
My 1/2 brother got so mad one night at one of his Keg Parties that I wouldn't drink or smoke some pot that he picked a fight and told me to leave. "Ass-busting" about me not drinking had been routine over the years. I let it all go because my ex had so many DWIs and I loved to go Boating and didn't want to not be able to go. I didn't mind driving. I wasn't a drinker anyway. My 1/2 brother had been drunk and I told myself he didn't mean it, but I came to see he was another one that was continually starting fights and refusing to see me along with the rest of my family—I know now it was all on purpose.
I didn't do anything to anyone there, but the owner and a couple of others accused me of saying something about the Twisted Tea the owner bought me one night. I had told her I would pay her, but she said she would pay. We went together to get some Beer. There were no 6 packs, but only one 12 pack of Twisted Tea. I said I would buy it and she said I'll buy it all as she paid for the rest. After we got back, she accused me of not paying. I have never not paid my way, but then others got involved and of course "took sides." It was crazy, but this was the start of being attacked wherever I went. I did as I usually did and chalked it up to nonsense and people drinking, but I was to see this was getting so out of hand that I was now not able to go anywhere. Law enforcement did not see a problem with this, but it was getting worse and worse. I could not go anywhere now where people initially would be friendly and then start a fight. If I wasn't careful they would then threaten to of course "call the cops." I have accepted now this is ongoing no matter where I go here now, but at least now I know the truth and it's becoming easier to understand.
"I'm looking for my Pimp!" I yelled, have you seen him? My 1/2 brother pulled into Fasttrack to get gas I guessed and I grabbed my suitcase and backpack and took off up the street. I had not seen him in 20yrs, but he was done so fast I was surprised he didn't even go inside and get a soda or something, but I followed him a way walking as he drove up Market Street. It felt good to finally know the truth even if I could not yet face him. They all knew that I finally knew! After all the years of carrying such pain, it was finally being released. I thought I had closure with everyone all those years ago I was forced out of all their lives. It had been devastating then and I tried repeatedly to understand why. I wrote in endless journals, learn to garden, and got my sweet dogs to take the place of having no friends and family. I learned to cook and accepted serving my MIL and her sister at the Holidays, but here were all these people once again coming around at the most horrible time in my life making all these heinous accusations about me.
Most of the time I was in shock and sorrow from not only the accusations but that what all these people were saying was making it so I was totally defenseless in court to get what was rightfully mine. Law enforcement did not have a problem with businesses refusing to do business with me and now were allowing all these people to make all these false accusations and call them to have me arrested. I was not only having to let go of everything in my life I held dear, but also trying to survive this horrible assault on my life—I could not go anywhere without being attacked and I still didn't know why, but I was no longer afraid. I knew I had done nothing to any of them and that for the first time in so long I was able to feel strong again. The crippling way all the fights had made me feel over the years had taken a toll. I had become completely dependent on my ex for communication and trusted him to tell me the truth—he never had. It had been set up that way from the beginning.
I imagined him all those years ago at Armory Grill following me around telling me how he was interested in me. My cousin had picked that first fight at the Italian Festival we went to, it was to be the first of many. All these years later it was happening again with another man only now I was able to see what this horrible woman had been involved in with my ex-husband and all these others all those years ago. I was merely merchandise to be used. I was a product. A retirement gimmick. A way to pay for all the properties, fix them up, "serve my MIL and her sister," and hand over my hard-earned money for 20yrs thinking I had a home, vacation property, rental business, but find like a reverse mortgage I would end up with nothing.
I was learning to fight for what was mine again. "Fuck you," I said repeatedly as the man kept attacking me from Herk's. I had left the bar and was waiting for the person I came with to call a cab, my phone was dead and I was standing outside when this man came out and started swearing at me to leave. I was on a public street waiting for a cab and had left as soon as I was told, but this didn't stop this man from following me out and attacking me. I had just enough to drink and felt the rush from that plus I was finally able to bring up the pain, hurt, and anger that had been frozen for so long. Anger that I could not access because I had been blamed repeatedly throughout my 20yr marriage. It finally felt like I could access it all. I still didn't know everything, but I was able to finally know I was not to blame! I felt a new sense of me. The old me I was mourning and having a hard time letting go of because I had worked so hard for so much in my life to be ok, but there had been so much I didn't know and it had weakened me in ways I was still processing. I had to get back to that strong sense of myself. I had stopped fighting for myself a long time ago and it had crippled me in ways I was only now seeing.
It was still a lot to process, but I was on my way. "Fuck you!" I yelled again. He kept swearing and yelling for me to leave and had pulled his car up top where the road met a small hill and stopped. I yelled that I had done nothing to anyone on the Southside and was sick and tired of being treated like this and accused of bullshit. My words rang through the street and I felt the old energy let go, it bellowed out and swirled around releasing the demons from so long ago that had kept my life in bondage. I felt a new sense of strength and surprisingly peace.
He, fortunately, got back in his car and left. I went back to the table and told the woman I had met and had agreed to buy dinner in exchange for a ride I was leaving—I was tired of the games. By this time, she said she couldn't get us a cab after telling me she worked for a cab company, and getting us a ride there and back was no problem. I said I would buy us dinner, bar food like fries and wings or something, and a drink. I didn't care about the cab at that point and started just walking, she called to me, but I went on. I was not going to stop now. I felt a new sense of myself. When I was married I could never be angry, it was always shut down. If I questioned what others were doing I was shamed and they would lie and it was usually done at a party where it's very difficult to not look like your "starting something."
I was accused of starting something whenever I said anything about these kinds of fights that didn't make sense all the time. It was easy to make me seem wrong when others were all in on it. Christmas was a favorite time to make it seem I had all kinds of problems with people. I was often mortified and deeply humiliated when I was kept in line by ever so slyly bringing up these "problems with people," when others were around. Things like why I didn't see someone, especially family. Why don't you see your Mother was a constant or why I had lost another job. Why someone refused to visit or some misunderstanding I had with someone. I know now it did exactly what it was intended to do—to keep me feeling ashamed, blamed, and very isolated. To keep trying to be better, try harder, and keep me working on all the properties we had. I was setting up my ex to be a wealthy man and I would be left with nothing. I had been his "Cash cow!" I recently learned this Crack term from the street being homeless, but now I was finally fighting back and it felt good.
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