I wasn’t going to write, I felt sad after another abusive encounter with cops after I went to church. I had thought that after such a nice sermon, a sunny day of highs in the 50s, and writing for awhile after a nice breakfast, I would try and get my little radio I had just bought.
I remembered the officer saying they “had my radio put aside!” I had gone back in after sitting on the park bench by the Police station—crying uncontrollably. I had spent the night at the station after my stuff was dumped from one chair inside to another outside in the lobby. I had been removed violently once again, with guns pointed at me this time after the bedroom door was kicked in. I’m losing track how many doors they have kicked in.
The little CD/radio was only $20 or $30, I forget now, still trying to calm my anxiety—writing always helped. Today is no different. I hear bits and pieces of conversations, I like writing in cafes nowadays. It helps keep me grounded and trying to remember that not everyone is treated like I’m being treated. A group of women, nicely dressed, talking laughing going on about trips they are planning to Florida. Normal type of conversations a group of women might have; successful, monied, older. I wonder why I can’t do the same—the violence continues. I escape one violent domestic abuser to now have a whole police department of them terrorizing me!
“It’s not our policy,” the officer sneered after I was buzzed in and explained I had left some things when arrested previously. I could not carry everything—I’m homeless. There was a small radio, an officer said they put aside along with a couple bags. 3-4 of them pacing the small enclosure you look up into through an enclosed dark, plastic window as they leer over you already suspicious. I can’t hear you, another one said. I moved forward and explained again, but knew I wasn’t going to get the radio back after 2 of them told me they couldn’t find anything and then the 3rd started in with the hostile lecture about their policy. I could feel myself getting upset. I could feel the fear again. I could feel them in a gang once again—circling. They were always circling me before the handcuffs would go on and I would be dragged into a police car regardless of not having done anything wrong! A middle-age women still just trying to get a place to live, her rightful assets, safety from a violent ex-husband, but once again their demeanor was about protecting the predators and not me.
“It’s not our Policy to hold belongings!” really I think? is it your fucking POLICY to steal from women fleeing for their lives as you violently throw them out of a home they worked 20yrs on? How about take their new car? or heartbreakingly their dog? but let’s not just talk about big things like 20yrs of personal belongings in storage after you all lied and locked her up as “mentally ill,” for reporting Domestic Abuse, a sexual assault by a cop no less, and the theft of all her assets—including her home!
Oh no! how about simple things like; flashlights, jewelry, pocket knives given to her by her ex that rarely gave her presents, every single time she was arrested. How about putting her on the street with nothing by “Men,” making over $60,000 per year, all guaranteed, even when they assault, beat-up—murder women? Is that your policy? but I didn’t say that.
I’m writing that now, but I didn’t say it then! I put up my hand in defense and told the officer politely that I wasn’t arguing the policy! The officer merely said he would put my stuff aside. Better still, keep the radio. Seriously? a $20 radio? I could feel myself losing my temper. I had nothing! I hate when I let them do that! only makes them more smug, more arrogant, more determined to hurt you. The dominance, so easily part of any interaction with them. Saying No, to whatever I ask is always part of it. Part of hurting me, letting me know they had no intention of helping me even if a short while earlier they would give me directives that would seem like they would. They never have. I have been arrested now over 20x, seems unreal, but true. All of it lies, bullshit, made up nonsense by the people involved or “neighbors,” pretending I was harassing them along with everyone involved—they ALL have “orders of protections!” unreal! but true. My SIL faced the same abuse, continuous orders of protection, everywhere she went—until she was dead!
People I barely knew would go on about what a drunk she was, how crazy she was—how fucked up! My SIL and I were never close, but I knew she wasn’t crazy. In the same way, the same people are doing it to me now. The fact the police are part of it all is even more traumatizing and fucking insane!
I really thought we could “Defund,” especially in a small town as mine. I could not bring myself to believe that “Men,” I have known all my life; trusted, respected—loved, could be capable of such blatant disregard for my humanity. Men entrusted to uphold the Law. Men given the enormous responsibility of deliberating over your whole life then destroying it with no remorse. Men willing to murder you to cover over their own sins. Men themselves that should be behind bars! Today I can’t say reform! Men like that cannot be reformed, while holding these positions of power. Power to destroy lives with immunity. Power to strip you of any humanity; dignity, a chance. Power that is not predicated on thoughtful, mindful, conscious deliberation, but on extreme ideologies that deny that very humanity. How can Men and women incapable of any conscious awareness of another’s humanity deliberate on their life?
It’s not a question of more money or training like they all claim. I held onto that one for a long time—pleading for my life! They know exactly what they are doing, being so good at it, they laugh in your face about how, “crazy” you are, “no one is going to help you,” and they will “lock you up to get the treatment you need!”
Treatment is of course repetitive programming to threaten, intimidate and destroy everything in your life; slowly, sadistically until you agree you made everything up. Then force you to take drugs so your confused, can’t think clearly, and are terrified they will kill you, which they tell you all the time they will!
Our court system becomes a weapon of the insane presided over by those all too willing to participate in a human-beings destruction. Call me radical, but they all need to be Abolished! We need to “Build Back Better,” all these trusted institutions, so we can trust them once again. Some never trusted them and I humbly thank them for helping provide my awakening and a means to go forward, like “The Black Lives Matter” movement!
The real anger is not from the $20 radio/CD player that worked so sweet, the Stevie Nicks compilation CD that Walmart just happened to have or the Fleetwood Mac one I was also able to get, even though all together it’s about $75, money that I don’t have, money that I have to keep spending to keep replacing so much that keeps being stolen. All the CDs sitting in a pile at Walmart, an online return I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, stores don’t carry CDs anymore, really? No, it wasn’t really that even though it hurt—it was the Music, like the Ballet so long ago, like now the Art—the Photography.
I’m not going to be a Ballerina, a singer like my Dad, a Photographer. I’m not going to have a Graphic Design business or be a Graphic Designer at all now! I’m not going to be a Fine Artist; paint, collage, or watercolor anymore. All of it destroyed by these Men that can’t even let me have the little fucking $20 radio, mostly now like when I was a little to help me sleep. The noise harassment constant in every place I have been the past 6 years, violently thrown-out of every one of them to make me look, crazy, incompetent, unable to live on my own—making up what has gone on. Making up being molested, sexually assaulted—Trafficked!
I loved to dance, my ex-husband loved the bars. I wanted to be a Ballerina as a girl, but found myself dancing in bars. I always sensed the laughter, but thought it was because I wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t that, they all knew what they had done—it’s a very small town. There had been money for Ballet. There had been Welfare money, but I was always told I could get nothing.
It wasn’t about my Dad being successful when he played. My mother said all the “girls loved him,” her reason to destroy him. For me, he was my Dad. I didn’t understand fame, or girls admiring him, or my mother’s apparent hatred of me and him. Can mothers hate? Yes, horribly they can and then on top of it try to sell you!
Every fucking time I go into our Police station, it’s “I don’t know, it’s not our policy, I just came on shift.” This! while pontificating how COMPLEX Domestic Violence is. Don’t you fucking think if something was so complex you would have some ongoing way to look at what the fuck was going on in someone’s life?
How about fucking Judges making sure the first priority is making sure BOTH parties have a fucking place to Live! and Transportation! how about a means to earn a living? especially, and most especially if assets reveal the means to assure this—all should be disclosed first! since when are “Divorce proceedings,” Criminal hearings? or “Mental Health Trials,” or means to destroy a person’s life without some kind of due process? we’re talking DIVORCE!
You’re now divorced—“go walk the streets!” I was told as Men tell me all the time they were left with nothing because “she got the house!” really I think? you want your kids on the street? most then back down and talk how they had a “good job,” a girlfriend, family, or other places to live—totally not the case when your violently put on the street with nothing and called a “Prostitute” for those in the back, a whore—nothing. Once again—just property. Is it really 2021? I think of my beautiful, talented, grandmother—denied “Land” that rightfully should have been hers!
Jesus? What does it take for Cops to be decent? WTF seriously? We overlooked Domestic abuse in the past because you know “Hero’s,” snap now and then, and well, the women that loved them—took it. “It,” being a hard, low-paying job, requiring long hours, continual sacrifices, by Men that didn’t have much to begin with. Men doing the right thing—good men!
Right? Wrong! That was a long time ago. These Men make good money upwards of $60,000 with everything guaranteed; even protection when your a predator! I was never one to question how much people make. I’m all for Capitalism and worked hard to make enough to never have to ,”go to DSS!” Social Services the constant ongoing joke and refrain from these men after they steal more and more of my belongings; continue to destroy any ability for me to try and get a job and continually keep me from even the basics of life; heat, utilities, safety—a place to live! It’s Winter and they continue throwing me around like garbage, just like Domestic Abusers do!
“I’ed like to report there are 5-6 Men in my living room, harassing and threatening me!” I’m sorry ma’am it doesn’t include Police Officers. Their “Men,” I said, it’s “Domestic,” they are in my home and they are abusive! The lady on the line from Domestic Violence didn’t know what to say and wanted to refer me to her Supervisor, but when I asked for that person, she said she was in court. I left my number, but she never called back—I didn’t think she would.
We need some way to deal with these abusers tasked to help us, but are unable. When a simple request for a radio after a man said it was put aside elicits the venom it did and a lecture about “policy!” How about men that are so enmeshed, they can’t just do something nice as a human being and not a vicious cop! Their profession and their humanity completely entwined. These are the people involved in “Complex” Domestic Abuse issues?
I can no longer say, “Defund” and put money towards helping women and children; the problems are far more severe. These people are abusive, with no regard at all for my humanity—you can’t “reform,” that at work! That’s something for complex Psychotherapy, something taxpayers should not have to pay for. There are too many other dangers we have to pay for. We need men and women, conscious of others humanity and I don’t see that at all in my community and from what I’m reading, hearing and seeing other places also!
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