The wind howled all night, March was hanging on to the bitter end; just when I thought I had survived Winter, but I couldn’t complain—I had survived! I needed to remind myself of that, there was still a long way to go, but I had survived the worse. I had made it through finding out my 20yr marriage was all a lie setup to financially exploit me from the start. The pain so intense at times, I would get dizzy, have panic attacks, n feel like I needed to sleep for weeks. I read of “Rapid Memory Retrieval” n was amazed that’s what happened to me. I remember having dreams of Ballet for hours that seemed so lucid I felt I had been transported to a place I was actually doing Ballet. I remember the song “Praying,” Kesha did. My experience similar; all the things in my life coming up, sometimes gently floating by, other times rapid pain as I put together the missing pieces—all the lies. I would wake up sobbing.
I remember seeing my body beneath me, as I was thrust up in the air, after grabbed at a party—Sexually Assaulted. I’ve now read part of what I also experienced is called n “NDE,” or Near Death Experience. White light surrounding me in love. I was entwined in what seemed like a bubble of light; sparkles of color like dew on flowers in Spring. Everything radiated warmth, light n energy. I was flooded w waves of soothing rushes of what I can only say is bliss. I never experienced bliss before, but now writing about it, I would have to say that was it, something beyond the joy I had felt, something far more beautiful; full-bodied, sublime—orgasmic.
Rushes of feeling, overwhelming, overflowing; all happening so fast. Two spirals of such intense energy I thought I would just burst into sparks of light; one right after the other. One spiraling up my spine n one up through my rib cage, pulsating from my genitalia, both entwining up through my head. Endorphin rush so intense, more intense than I had ever experienced, even from having a good run, which I loved to do. I wondered if I would b able to get back into my body when I glimpsed it—astonished, but the fear didn’t last long. I was being held w such love; so much fell away.
Sleep was a comfort n a balm afterwards against what I could not incorporate into my life; 20yrs of lies I had to process. I would sleep for days only getting up to feed Bentley my dog, play w him, let him go to the bathroom, n both of us gently falling back to sleep. He was still a baby n would curl up w me; happy n content.
Memories came flooding back; slowly at first then more rapidly as the small loves, losses, childhood experiences became more clear. At first the Ballet helped to give it all a cohesion, peace; I wasn’t afraid, but peaceful. I had wanted to b a Ballerina, but after the first year w my mothers new boyfriend, she told me we could no longer afford it, a refrain she would use all the time after she left my Father. I was devastated if a child could b that. Not only had I lost my Family; my Father, Grandparents, Aunt n Uncle, the Summers on the Sacandaga Lake, but now Ballet? it was too much. She didn’t care. The Welfare she was now getting for me wasn’t enough she told me as she violently started the hatred about my Father n me. A violence that grew over time. A violence I’m only recently coming to terms w. A violence that would just about destroy me. What kind of Mother wants to sell her daughter?
“Your incompetent,” she raged when I finally stayed w her after pleading to b released from the Psych ward in Syracuse NY—Hutchins. A horrible place that I was forced to after Sexually Assaulted n told I made everything up. I was accused of breaking some Christmas lights, which I did in Protest after roofied n getting death threats from a stranger stalking me, who described me breaking them, but failed to mention his threats. I was refused a cab, n had just found out my marriage was all a lie. The friend of my ex husband that helped him had roofied me when I tried to talk to her about what was going on. I was surrounded by 6-8 officers, which by this time was constant, told I was “Suicidal,” n taken to St Marys Hospital once again.
The Doctor released me, but the Judge I was in front of constantly told me I had a “Mental illness,” was “Incompetent,” among other lies n that I didn’t understand the proceedings. She combined the charges n sent me to Jail. Breaking the Christmas lights was a separate charge. Resisting arrest was when I was walking to plead w my ex to stop his assaults on me n they grabbed me off the street. I had crossed at a busy intersection n didn’t see the angry truck driver that yelled at me. I was grabbed violently further up the street. My dog by this time was so sick I thought he would die, which was why I went to see my ex. The harassment by this time unconscionable. Each apartment we rented was worse than the last.
By this time “Bentley,” was whimpering in pain from the noise, his hair falling out, n I could tell he was struggling. Gone was his beautiful Shitzu coat I had groomed since he was a month old. He had been rescued along w other animals a woman was rescuing from Hurricane Katrina in 2005. He had a rough start, but Bentley was a sweetheart, had a beautiful brindle coat n a cool top-knot. I had groomed all 3 of my dogs n was getting compliments all the time. I was finally doing the top-knot. “Scooter,” my first Shitzu, went w us on the boat all the time n I usually kept him in a puppy-cut. “Casey,” having a beautiful coat, but a little too curly. With each dog I had gotten better. I often got compliments on their grooming, but also the hatred; always the hate.
Memories came flooding back; slowly at first then more rapidly; the loves, losses, childhood experiences became more clear. At first the Ballet helped to give it all a cohesion, peace; I wasn’t afraid, but peaceful. I had wanted to b a Ballerina, but after the first year w my mothers new boyfriend, she told me we could no longer afford it, a refrain she would use all the time after she left my Father. I was devastated if a child could b that. Not only had I lost my Family; my Father, Grandparents, Aunt n Uncle, the Summers on the Sacandaga Lake, but now Ballet? it was too much. She didn’t care. The Welfare she was now getting for me wasn’t enough she told me as she violently started the hatred about my Father n me. A violence that grew over time. A violence I’m only recently coming to terms w. A violence that would just about destroy me. What kind of Mother wants to sell her daughter?
“Your incompetent,” she raged when I finally stayed w her after pleading to b released from the Psych ward in Syracuse NY—Hutchins. A horrible place that I was forced to after Sexually Assaulted n told I made everything up. I was accused of breaking some Christmas lights, which I did in Protest after roofied n getting death threats from a stranger stalking me, who described me breaking them, but failed to mention his threats. I was refused a cab, n had just found out my marriage was all a lie. The friend of my ex husband that helped him had roofied me when I tried to talk to her about what was going on. I was surrounded by 6-8 officers, which by this time was becoming constant, told I was “Suicidal,” n taken to St Marys Hospital.
The Doctor released me, but the Judge I was in front of constantly told me I had a “Mental illness,” was “Incompetent,” among other lies n that I didn’t understand the proceedings. She combined the charges n sent me to Jail. Breaking the Christmas lights was a separate charge. Resisting arrest was when I was walking to plead w my ex to stop his assaults on me n they grabbed me off the street. I had crossed at a busy intersection n didn’t see the angry truck driver that yelled at me. I was grabbed violently further up the street. My dog by this time was so sick I thought he would die, which was why I went to see my ex. The harassment by this time unconscionable. Each apartment we rented was worse than the last.
By this time “Bentley,” was whimpering in pain from the noise, his hair falling out, n I could tell he was struggling. Gone was his beautiful Shitzu coat I had groomed since he was a month old. He had been rescued along w other animals a woman was rescuing from Hurricane Katrina in 2005. He had a rough start, but Bentley was a sweetheart, had a beautiful brindle coat n a cool top-knot. I had groomed all 3 of my dogs n was getting compliments all the time. I was finally doing the top-knot. “Scooter,” my first Shitzu, went w us on the boat all the time n I usually kept him in a puppy-cut. “Casey,” having a beautiful coat, but a little too curly. With each dog I had gotten better. I often got compliments on their grooming, but also the hatred; always the hate.
“He’s not a girl!” my Mother sneered when first meeting him. I had not seen her in 20yrs. They had shaved him n she seemed to know that he was being taken repeatedly to show I was incompetent, but I was still struggling to put it all together. He had been traumatized like I was, but each time I got him back I was too grateful to complain not seeing the deception Animal control was part of. Each time giving him to my ex husband, one time w other borders, but then showing me a white German Shepard w cuts all over his legs, suggesting the dog fighting I would b tormented at the Jail about. It took months to get Bentley to respond after that, the way he used to b. His mouth was all pushed in, like he was pulling it in all the time. “He’s spoiled,” the Animal Control woman sneered. She was n abusive woman that repeatedly was implying he was abused by me. I did a 12 day fast at the Jail when she repeatedly refused to tell me where he was, but they ignored all my grievances about him.
My Mother had called at Christmas to visit, then again for Easter. She had made it a point to tell people she didn’t want me to know where she lived whenever I asked. I hadn’t known where she lived for years until I went to see her after she had a Hysterectomy. She had put it off a long time; claiming she still wanted children n it would make her a man. My Grandmother had n early one at 40yrs old w no hormones n it was awful they both said. My mother held out as long as she could; bleeding heavily, until the Doctor ordered her to have one.
She moved again n picked a horrible fight after showing up at our Lakehouse we had just purchased saying she had nowhere to live after leaving her current boyfriend. I offered her the Lakehouse to stay; she seemed edgy, strange, so did my ex, but I chalked it up to her leaving her boyfriend. I had no idea it was around this time they had slept together. My mother had looked really nice when I saw her. She was 50yrs old. I thought she looked beautiful, I still had no idea the hatred she harbored for me. I thought most of her problems were from being a single Mother; I had no idea her attacks on my Father n me were deliberate. I had no idea what she had been plotting w my ex-husband. I feel such grief now, so stupid, but she would just laugh when she humiliated me telling me “u went to college?” it was always a problem I went to college. “Your book smart, she would say, but u have no common sense!”
I sat listening to her tell the Psychologists that she didn’t think it was a good idea I be released from the Psych ward, “she had her Grandchildren in the house,” implying I was a danger. I sat in shock once again. My Mother that was abusive to me since I was a child was telling the Psychologists that she was afraid of me?! What the hell? I felt dizzy again, but finally knowing the truth. I had spent my life taking her blows, making excuses, feeling sorry each time she claimed how victimized she had been by my Father; by life. She never took any responsibility for being my Mother, it was of no consequence to her. She hated being a Mother, n yet here she was turning it all around n the even sicker part was these cruel Psychologists n Social Workers were believing it all. My God, I thought, she’s done nothing for me my whole life n now; SHE gets to decide whether I’m incompetent, a danger—unfit?
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